Jake Johnson

Articles Written
Jan 25, 2015

Hassan Whiteside Is A Millennial

Heat center Hassan Whiteside has really stepped it up for Erik Spoelstra’s crew as of late, averaging 12 points, 8 rebounds and 3 blocks per game over his last 8 games. Today, Whiteside pulled off a triple double in what...

Jan 25, 2015

Josh Gordon Got Suspended AGAIN

According to Adam Schefter, Browns WR Josh Gordon failed another drug test, and is now looking at a full year suspension from the NFL. Browns WR Josh Gordon flunked another drug test and now will be subject to a one-year...

Jan 25, 2015

Average NBA Player Lance Stephenson Breaks Out Pregame Locker Room Dance

Lance Stephenson has clearly been a disappointment this season. Billed as one of the biggest free agents of the summer, Stephenson has struggled, averaging under 10 ppg on 39% shooting from the field. Lance has been horrid from three point...

The NFL Will Flag The Seahawks 15 Yards If Marshawn Grabs His Dick

According to Pro Football Talk, the NFL will penalize the Seahawks 15 yards if Marshawn Lynch decides to grab his dick again. Fines obviously have done nothing to deter Lynch from his patented celebration, so NFL V.P. of Officiating Dean...

Jan 24, 2015

Brad Ziegler Is An Absolute Square

I have no idea how or why I follow Diamondbacks relief pitcher Brad Ziegler, but I do. I also don’t know if Brad is a good or bad guy- it looks like he owns a foundation that supports our country’s...

Jan 24, 2015

Bill Belichick Calls Impromptu Press Conference, Talks About Balls

“I’ve spent umm a significant amount this past week umm learning as much as I could learn- more than I ever could imagine, to tell you the truth, about bladders, air gauges, stitching, pressure, game day ball preparation, rub downs,...

Jan 24, 2015

Jan 24, 2015

James Harden Is A Mean Person

Due to Klay Thompson’s absurd game, James Harden’s impressive performance flew very much under the radar last night. Harden further positioned himself as one of the front runners for this year’s MVP award, going for 33 points, 10 assists and...

Jan 24, 2015

That Cyborg Klay Thompson Put Up 37 In a Quarter Last Night

Klay Thompson isn’t a human being, evident in last night’s historic performance. Thompson put up 52 points in the Golden State’s 126-101 blowout victory against Sacramento, including 37 fucking points in the third quarter, setting the NBA record. Thompson nailed...

Jan 18, 2015

Brandon Bostick Is Going To Get Run Out Of Green Bay

Green Bay has a reputation for having some of the nicest people in the country. But even the nicest person in that city will surely be part of the mob that runs Brandon Bostick out of town. Bostick coughed up...

Jan 18, 2015

Ha Ha Clinton-Dix Was Seattle's Leading Receiver In The 1st Half

Russell Wilson is likely playing the worst game of his NFL career right now, going 2 of 9 for 12 yards and 3 interceptions in the first half of the NFC Championship game. Luckily for Wilson, Aaron Rodgers hasn’t been...

Jan 18, 2015

The NFL Would Have Ejected Marshawn Lynch For Wearing Gold Cleats

You might have heard that Marshawn Lynch had planned on to wear gold Nike cleats in today’s NFC championship game. According to TMZ, Lynch’s baller spikes were values at over $1,000. Here’s a pic, courtesy of CBS Sports: Well, the...

Jan 18, 2015

Utah State Player Dunks Ball, Launches Self Onto Floor

Utah State guard JoJo McGlaston has some major ups. But while he might be the most coordinated man on earth when jumping up to dunk the basketball, he’s likely the least graceful player in the country when it comes to...