Hello, friends. *extremely Jim Nance voice* I am Blakey Locks, the Degenerate Gambling Intern, and I will be your guide this fall. Every weekend I am going to traverse you through the trials and tribulations of betting your mortgage on a weekend of football. From the New England Patriots to the Northern Arizona Lumberjacks, I will give you the knowledge necessary to conquer your bookie and feed your children. We will win together, lose together and laugh together. Let’s ride.
Bowl SZN Week One
Well, folks, we made it. It’s been a tough two weeks of betting FCS Playoffs and mid-major college hoops but college football is officially back. I’m so fucking amped for bowl season. I was super depressed over the end of the regular season, but then I remembered how fun this month is for gamblers. Having games almost every single day of the week to bet on is primo. It’s like March Madness for college football. Just thinking about sitting in my grandparent’s living room screaming at the TV over Alcorn State-NC A&T while people are enjoying quality family time brings a smile to my face. It’s what gambling is all about. This is going to be a great journey that we all undertake together. Win, lose or push.
For an in-depth audio experience breaking down Week One listen here (and SUBSCRIBE): https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/longshot-locks-episode-6-bowl-szn-week-one-nfl-week-15/id1440550176?i=1000425732291&mt=2
Degenerate of the Week
You can read the whole blog here. But these nuns might be the degenerates of the year. They embezzled half a million dollars over 10 years from the Catholic school they worked at and used that money to book hotels and gamble in Vegas. I bet these old bags were flying first class into Vegas sippin’ champagne the entire way. They arrive at their suite in the Bellagio where the brick of coke is already waiting for them, compliments of the hotel of course. Hit the pool for a couple hours in full habit while having a couple of vodka red bulls, then it’s time to hit the tables. Drinking like a fish, gambling like a degenerate, and praising the Lord is all these ladies know. Every bet we make this weekend is for them.
Girlfriend Game of the Week
My girlfriend watches almost no football. She knows nothing about any teams. Luckily gambling is all about raw instinct. It’s a gamble after all. Every week I am going to ask her out of the blue who is going to win a certain game. There’s a good chance these picks win at a higher percentage than mine. (6-2)
Last week, the GGW took a shot at the NFL and we lost at the hand of Kirk Cousins being terrible. Maybe the lady just can’t handle the big leagues. However, she is still the best damn college football bettor on Earth and she is back in her wheelhouse to slay bowl season. For Week One we’re going with the RIVETING matchup between the Marshall Thundering Herd and South Florida.
Not Marshall it is.
GGW Bowl Week One Pick: South Florida +2.5
This guide is meant to be fun, but if you came here for picks I will indulge you. Here are the locks of the week outside the Marquee Matchups. We’re going to be breaking these bowl games down one week at a time- this week we’re covering the games from Sat 12/15-Fri 12/21.
New Mexico Bowl- North Texas vs. Utah State (-7.5) o/u 68
This is low key one of the bowl games I’m most excited for all season. They should rename this the Degenerate Bowl or at least these teams should be playing in Vegas because a lot of gamblers rode both of these teams this year for some big cash. I personally am able to afford the breakfast I’m eating right now because of the Mean Green. Mason FIne, the North Texas QB, is going to be a Sunday quarterback which I love to see. The other interesting factor for this game is that Utah State’s entire coaching staff up and left to go coach at Texas Tech and just left a $20 bill on the nightstand for Utah State on their way out. Meanwhile, North Texas’ head coach decided to stay (didn’t get the job at Kansas State) so as far as coaching and functionality, the Mean Green seem to have it more together. Also, we need more mascot names like the Mean Green. Not more Bulldogs, Aggies, and Tigers. Go Mean Green.
Utah State Got Used Like A Cheap Hooker Lock of the Week: North Texas +7.5
Las Vegas Bowl- Arizona State vs. Fresno State (-6) o/u 53
How the hell did this happen? The year is 2018 and Herm Edwards is coaching a bowl game. His hiring at Arizona State is one of the most fascinating things I’ve ever seen. Along with like Bill Cowher and a couple other guys, Herm was one of those names that came up for every open NFL job for years but never had any interest. Then from out of nowhere, he gets hired at Arizona State. Just a bizzaro move. Then he was basically a laughing stock in the offseason because he didn’t seem to understand the concept of recruiting or anything that being a college coach entails. Their season win total was set at 4.5 and they were expected to be dreadful. However, Herm somehow led this team to a good season and has a chance to pull a big upset in the Vegas Bowl (also Herm is for sure gonna be partying in Vegas the night before the game, look for a little booger sugar leftover in his mustache on the sideline).
I like the Sun Devils. Do you know why? Because,
YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME LOCK OF THE FUCKING CENTURY: Arizona State +6
Boca Raton Bowl- Northern Illinois vs. UAB (-2.5) o/u 43.5
This is the last bowl that I am super excited for this week. UAB might be my favorite team in college football. Their football program was disbanded due to a lack of success and income. It was a god damn national tragedy. Two years ago they decided to bring back the team and here they are already, playing for a chance at the Cheribundi Boca Raton Bowl trophy. What a come up. But for real what they have done is awesome and their coach Bill Clark has been named the Coach of the Year and college football and by all accounts, he basically held their athletic department together by himself throughout all this turmoil. A truly inspirational tale. If Alabama weren’t such cowards they would have played their inter-state rivals UAB and LOST big time. Classic SEC not playing the tough opponents. How bout playing a real schedule like Notre Dame or UCF you frauds. I digress. Love the Blazers. Go UAB.
The Best Team In Alabama Lock of the Week: UAB -2.5
Eastern Michigan +3 vs. Georgia Southern
MTSU +6 vs. App State
SDSU +3 vs. Ohio