Hello, friends. *extremely Jim Nance voice* I am Blakey Locks, the Degenerate Gambling Intern, and I will be your guide this fall. Every weekend I am going to traverse you through the trials and tribulations of betting your mortgage on a weekend of football. From the New England Patriots to the Northern Arizona Lumberjacks, I will give you the knowledge necessary to conquer your bookie and feed your children. We will win together, lose together and laugh together. Let’s ride.
NFL Week Five
We are barreling through the NFL season at full speed. It seems like only yesterday I lost my first bet of the season backing the Falcons against the Eagles. Here we are in Week Five ready to be hurt again. Although I will have you know I went 8-2-1 in the NFL last Sunday so hopefully we can keep the hot streak going and win some money.
The “They Definitely Knew the Spread” Game of Week Four
— #DUUUVAL (@Jaguars) September 30, 2018
Sometimes it’s a little too convenient when a team covers a spread or hits a total late in the game. Whether it’s kicking a late field goal to cover instead of going for it on fourth down or going for two to push the total over, something fishy is going on. All I’m saying is coaches and players bet too.
Thank GOD I was on the right side of this one in Week Four. As a Jets fan, this game was depressing enough and if I had lost my bet on the game it would have been the cherry on top. Luckily, the Jaguars knew what was at stake and delivered me a winner.
The total for this game was set at 40.5 and I pounded that over right away. This Jags offense is actually pretty good with the BOAT at the helm and I was hoping the Jets could at least get a couple scores at home. It was playing pretty close to the total the whole game as the Jaguars were stifling the Jets. We were only one touchdown away with 11 minutes to play and I felt pretty good. But then we got about 1,000 punts in a row from both teams.
The Jags got the ball late in the game and were just looking to run out the clock. Luckily for over backers, they were running the ball for chunk yardage. They drove the ball all the way inside the Jets 10, but couldn’t get the ball in the end zone. The Jaguars had fourth and goal from the Jets one-yard line and 27 seconds on the clock. They could either kick a field goal, take a knee and effectively hand the ball to the Jets to end the game or go for it. Blake Bortles for sure (allegedly) had the over so he handed the ball off to TJ Yeldon and the Jags scored a TD to push the game over 40.5. As a Jets fan, fuck the Jags. As an o40.5 backer, thank you for your service.
“Teaser? I Hardly Even Know Her!” Dad Joke Teaser of the Week
This game may be the greatest teaser ruiner of all time, all time pic.twitter.com/5NX9qUSyMW
— Big Cat (@BarstoolBigCat) September 24, 2018
Sometimes you are pretty sure about a bet but want to play it safe. The only move is to fire up a good ole fashioned teaser. And when your friend tells you about their teaser, the only response is “teaser her? I hardly even know her!” Remember that one kids.
I feel GREAT about the teaser of the week in Week Five. I feel like I finally have a feel for a lot of these incredibly mediocre NFL teams. Who blows people out? Who always plays close but pulls out a win? Who is always going to disappoint and play like shit? I have the answers folks.
We’re gonna go with a classic, three team six point teaser.
Part 1: Green Bay PK to +6 vs. the Lions
The Lions are coming off a buzzer-beater loss to the Cowboys, a week after trouncing the Patriots. The Packers, on the other hand, are coming off a 22-0 shutout of Josh Allen’s Bills. I know this is in Detroit, but I don’t really get why this game is a PK. Easy first part of the teaser to secure a winner.
Part 2: Chargers -6 to PK vs. the Raiders
Oh the Chargers. Another year of Super Bowl hype turning into what looks like another 8-8 run. At least they are going to get a win this week. The Raiders are coming off of their ELECTRIFYING first win of the season against the Browns. Unfortunately, they do not get to play the Browns every week. It may be close, but the Chargers win this one.
Part 3: Rams -7 to -1 vs. the Seahawks
This will be the cherry on top of our teaser in the 4:00 PM slate. The Rams have looked like the best team in football so far. Going into Seattle is never an easy task, but being able to get the best team in the NFL at a near PK is something I’ll take seven days of the week and twice on Sundays (just an expression I’m only doing it once on Sunday). In what many people are calling the “How Hot is Pete Carroll’s Seat Getting” game I like the Rams to roll.
Teaser: Packers +6, Chargers, PK, Rams -1
Underdog Money Line of the Week
"When it left your hand, you was like yeah TD?"
"Oh, I knew it."
Hear Blake Bortles on his career passing day against the Jets on Mic'DD Up presented by @DDNEFla. pic.twitter.com/rcDKkM7CGk
— #DUUUVAL (@Jaguars) October 1, 2018
For the average fan, the parity week in and week out is one of the best parts of the NFL. For the average degenerate, it is the absolute worst part. One week a team sucks the next week they’re amazing. The Lions have lost to the Jets by double digits and beat the Patriots by double digits within four weeks, it just doesn’t make sense. However, it also creates spots to cash in big underdog money lines.
This week’s Underdog Money Line of the Week is TOO EASY! I feel bad for Vegas on this one. They may have their first losing day in a century if everyone reading this puts their salary on this one like I am. The BOAT Blake Bortles has been one of the best quarterbacks in the league this season. This defense is the best defense the NFL has seen in years. Jalen Ramsey is talking ALL THE SHIT.
"AS A RETURN SPECIALIST"
Jalen Ramsey the 🐐 pic.twitter.com/WzFHZnJXXt
— Jordan Heck (@JordanHeckFF) October 4, 2018
There is no way the Jags do not win this game.
They’re going to KC to take on Patrick “Showtime” Mahomes (owner of the worst nickname in football). The Chiefs almost lost to a pretty bad Broncos team and their defense exposed some things on the Chiefs offense. I think this Jaguars defense is up to the task and is going to show Mahomes what the NFL is all about. Also, the Chiefs defense is really bad. Like reallyyyy bad. The BOAT and their rushing attack is going to cut through that defense. Let’s go DUUUVAAAALLLLLLL!!!
Pick: Jaguars +130
Offensive Players of the Month (September):
— NFL (@NFL) October 4, 2018
The fun is over. Time for the “Mountains Are Blue Ice Cold Locks” for Sunday. This does not include any of the games already discussed. You know where I stand on all of those games.
BAL -3 vs. the Browns- Sorry, Baker. I am going to keep betting on the Browns to lose until I see something more.
Broncos +1 vs. the Jets- The Jets might not win another game this season. This one is easy. (probably a loss)
Eagles -3 vs. the Vikings- Carson Wentz has yet to get all the way back. This might just be his coming out party at home against a mightily struggling Vikings team.
Dallas +3 vs. the Texans- Deshaun Watson is kinda bad and the rest of the Texans are even worse. Zeke is having another dominant year. They win outright in Houston.
Washington +7 vs. New Orleans- The Saints just aren’t that great. Alex Smith is always Mr. Consistent. Coming off an early bye I love them against the Saints.
Rant of the Week
Every degenerate needs to let off some steam once in a while. I do it here. If you need a place to do it Tweet me @BlakeKrass and I may feature you on a future Rant of the Week.
My Rant of the Week is something that NEEDS to be discussed. It is pointed directly at fantasy football obsessors. I play fantasy with a group of friends from high school and a group of friends from college. It’s something to do during the week while in class or at work but always takes a backseat to where your money is at on Sundays. If you play Daily Fantasy that is a different story. You’re looking to cash out hard just like the other degenerates. But I have gotten to the tipping point of people telling me about their fantasy team. NOBODY CARES! I do a lot of research on bad beats for this guide and the college football guide. One thing I’ve learned is that a lot of people are posting the final scores of their fantasy matchups and calling it a bad beat?? What are you talking about dude? 1. Nobody gives a shit you lost in fantasy and 2. that’s literally just not the definition of a bad beat.
Play fantasy as much as you want and enjoy yourself doing it. But on the weekend when the DFS and full slate bettors are focused on trying to not have to pawn off their fiancee’s engagement ring, please keep the fact that you need Julio Jones to score a touchdown to yourself. Newsflash: he won’t.
That’s all for me this weekend, folks. If you have any complaints about my losing picks, bad beats, or general degeneracy you need a safe space for, follow me @BlakeKrass and let’s vent.
Time to win.