I was expecting just a little more out of the Baltimore house that Joe Flacco’s selling for $1,590,000. Yes, it’s big. Yes, it’s a suburban woman’s dream with the huge open floor plan, cozy homey feel, the finest touches, the big kitchen, the spaces for the kids to avoid contact with the outside world unless there’s baseball practice or dance. Yes, all the other suburban housewives who drive the massive SUVs to the school pickup line to get Meredith are going to be jealous AF.
But where’s the guy space in this house? What the hell did Joe Flacco do in his own house that he sacrificed his brain and body for? I don’t see a manspace. I don’t see a spot where Joe could fill a pint glass and forget about the brutal world on the outside of this house. I don’t see a single spot where it feels a guy lives in the house.
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO GUYS LIKE JOE FLACCO? NUT UP & TELL THEM YOU’RE GOING TO GO NUTS UNLESS YOU HAVE A SPOT TO FART, DRINK, CURSE AND SWIPE THROUGH YOUR PHONE WITHOUT THE KIDS DRIVING YOU NUTS.
Unique opportunity to purchase this magnificent all-brick colonial perfectly sited on a one acre private lot surrounded by trees on a quiet cut-de-sac in the prestigious Medford community. A grand two-story entrance foyer and dual staircase greets you to this architecturally impressive home.
Boasting over 7,000 square feet of lavish finishes and appointments, this spectacular six bedroom, five full bath, two half bath residence features a gourmet kitchen with spacious breakfast room, coffered ceilings, two-story family room, formal living/dining room for intimate gatherings or grand parties, fully finished lower level that is perfect for recreation & entertainment, sunroom, and luxurious upper level master suite with sitting room, spa bathroom and two custom walk-in closets.
Even that massive upstairs sunroom feels basic AF. Sure, there are possibilities there, but I still don’t see anything that tells me Flacco felt human in that house. Could my man at least get a Golden Tee console with the $100 million or whatever its been that he’s been paid over the years?
Mortgage: You’re looking at about $7,800/mo. with 20% down. That’s including taxes!
