I Have Launched A Full Investigation Into What Happened To A Sixer Of Coors That Was Sent To My House All Busted Open

There I was on my lunch break today trying to take a well-earned nap after raging during the Super Bowl when FedEx guy rang the doorbell. Of course I’m getting up to see what was on the porch because that’s part of my daily entertainment these days — mostly, does FedEx guy have liquor for me. So I grabbed to box, got it into the house and immediately knew something was horribly wrong.

You know that smell the morning after a house party back in college? That beer stank? I opened the box and was immediately transported back to college and waking up all hungover and smelling the beer left on the coffee table all night. Makes me want to puke my brains out to this day. I haven’t been in a death zone before, but I have to imagine that beer stank is close to death stank.

Anyway, the box sent by Coors was suspiciously in a plastic bag and was wet. Got the lid off the Blazin box and you can see that it was an absolute mess in there. Just skunked beer everywhere.

Questions and observations about the Blazin box:

• There’s a small bag of Cheetos that was open. I’m beyond fascinated by that because there’s a possible answer to how the cans busted open. I’m at a loss as to how the Cheetos were opened unless it was due to human interaction. Back in college I worked at a FedEx loading the delivery trucks and it wasn’t out of the ordinary for guys on the line who knew Jelly Belly boxes were coming down the line to push the box off the belt onto the floor and act like the box was busted open, only to do some busting open of their own. Then they would get their Jelly Belly fix and reseal the box. The thing about the Cheetos bag is that if you take into account all the Cheetos spread out all over the box, it’s hard to think that there are Cheetos missing.

• Is it possible the cans were Polar Vortex’d, meaning they were frozen which led to expansion and then the metal carrier pierced the cans?

• Since when does ‘Overnight’ at 3 p.m. Friday mean it gets here Monday? Doesn’t FedEx know it’s Super Bowl weekend and there could be sixers being shipped?

• There’s one can I’ll be able to salvage along with two bags of Cheetos dust and a bowl to make Cheetos Cold Ones

• And what happened to Robin at FedEx? She shows up to help and immediately runs for cover. Get back in here Robin, you can’t just ignore my investigation like this.

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