Connor McDavid, 21, Appears To Be Whipped

Poor Connor McDavid. Let’s all pray for this guy for a minute. Take a minute out of your day and pray to God that he’ll come to his senses and realize that having a serious relationship at 21 is pure torture. I don’t care if you’re the next coming of Gretzky and you think you’ve found the one to marry. For the love of god, don’t do this to yourself. Don’t put out sappy birthday tweets to your girlfriend because you feel pressured.

Look, I have no idea if Connor McDavid’s girlfriend Lauren Kyle is Mother Teresa and makes the best chicken parm in all of Canada. I’m sure she’s a nice person, but I can’t sit here quiet and let my guy Connor do this to himself at 21. He has to understand the Derek Jeter way of handling relationships. You have to throw ’em back when you’re a star athlete. You have to give them a gift basket and tell them to come back when you’re 40 and ready to settle down.

I looked through the IGs. It looks like Connor is a 21-year-old hostage on a tour of England that he doesn’t want to be on. Maybe I’m missing something here and McDavid enjoys this life where he’ll have 40 weddings to attend each summer. Take it from the old timers, bro. You’re going to regret this. I promise.

Same day every year for the last 22. Happy Birthday 👊🏼 pic.twitter.com/1n0lj9urwL

— Connor McDavid (@cmcdavid97) June 26, 2018

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