Thank You To All The Patriots Who Are Defending Old Glory At The Ryder Cup


Ahh, the Ryder Cup is back with its faux patriotism on display in all its glory. We have a challenge going to see which American can out-jerkoff the other jerkoffs at Hazeltine. The race is on to see which jerkoff can out-bro-jerkoff the jerkoffs who’ve been thinking about their jerkoff Ryder Cup costumes for months and months. The Ryder Cup jerkoffs care so much about their Red, White & Blue that the challenge is to see what prop (eagle heads) you can bring to take home the Ryder Cup Top Faux Patriot Jerkoff title.

When did this jerkoff-ery begin? The origins clearly begin with the 1999 Ryder Cup. The “Battle at Brookline.” The one where the Americans wore those jerkoff polo shirts. The one where the U.S. team acted like it just won the Super Bowl on a Hail Mary. And here we are in 2016 with the Jerkoff Contest in full swing.

Am I anti-American Golf Jerkoff?

No, it’s great for content, but it’s so forced. So fake it hurts. So much a reaction to the Euros doing this before it was the jerkoffery thing to do in the U.S. It’s just like our jerkoff soccer fans that are so forced at the World Cup. They tell me how much they care about women’s soccer during the World Cup and then there are empty stadiums across the U.S.

There’s no reining in this Ryder Cup jerkoffery. Too late. It’s here to stay. Jerkoffs end up having kids, the kids grow up wanting to be like their jerkoff dads and then they go off to college and the jerkoffery really takes off from there. We’re left with a society that fake cares about a dumb team golf tournament in an individual sport with fake patriotism infused as if this is some war against ISIS. Meanwhile, Team Europe players all own houses in the U.S. Pay U.S. taxes and spend most of the year in the U.S.