I took one look at Mr. David Samuel Hoyt, a South Carolinian, and the headline for this one on the Smoking Gun and figured this would be a classic arrest story. What I didn’t expect was meat being shoved into a colostomy bag at the grocery store. You know how Jameis just walked out of the store with the crab legs? David actually went through the process of shoving ribeyes down his colostomy bag. No joke.
During questioning, Hoyt (seen above) initially denied stealing the steaks, but later “made a verbal confession” to the theft, saying that he put the meat in bags and walked out of Food Lion.
Woody, Hoyt’s 47-year-old girlfriend, offered a police lieutenant further details about her beau’s steak heist. “Mrs. Woody confirmed that Mr. Hoyt had taken meat from Food Lion by putting it in his colostomy bag,” a deputy noted.
I just don’t see how this relationship can last after Dave’s chick sold him out like that. It was one thing for “bags” to end up in the police report, but now Dave has to deal with the Loserville reputation that he hid the steaks in a colostomy bag. Total reputation killer.
Fox Carolina says the value of the steaks was in the $75 range. I had no idea you could hide that many steaks in one of these bags. Pretty damn impressive. Need to get one of these things for football games this fall. Should be able to catch the 3:30 and 8 EST games without having to get up to take a leak.
Now comes the real investigation: Is Dave a Clemson or South Carolina fan?