The Hater’s Sunday Recap: What Actually Happened Today

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hate everything

I love football. But let’s be honest, Sunday fucking blows. Football is a nice distraction, but we all know that the work week is coming and the day just gets progressively more tense and scary as time goes by. We sit on the couch all day (probably with 5-7 beers) trying to prevent the inevitable, but then 8pm rolls around and we all just really, really depressed. If you feel differently, you’re either still drunk or lying to yourself. Or both. Or concussed.

Which leads me to this: if you’re in a good mood on Sunday night, you’re a delusional asshole. Simple as that. Doesn’t matter how your team played today, everything is terrible and nothing positive occurred today. People need to be reminded of this.

So I’m starting a new tradition: The Hater’s Sunday Recap. Every Sunday night, my goal will be to find the negative in every moment of NFL Sunday. Here is the the inaugural column:

1. 

The Moment: Caleb Sturgis’ “Rabona” Onside Kick

What You Thought Happened: A fun and creative onside kick attempt. It was definitely worth a shot and Sturgis should be commended for his effort.

What Actually Happened: A stupid and pointless attempt. Buddy, you’re obviously not Lionel fucking Messi because that was absolutely pathetic. Don’t ever try that again.

2. 

The Moment: Anquan Boldin stays on his feet after helmet-to-helmet hit from Ryan Clark.

What You Thought Happened: A miraculous display of toughness and balance. Awesome job, Anquan!

What Actually Happened: Probably a severe concussion. Boldin will now likely have major post-concussion syndrome once his career comes to a close. Clark is fucked, too.

3.

The Moment: Rams Ball Boy shows off ball-spinning skills.

rams ball boy gif

 

What You Thought Happened: This guy showed all of America that he’s a star. This might be his big break!

What Actually Happened: Jeff Fisher saw this on the big screen, disliked the fact that the ball boy was showing off, and proceeded to fire him immediately after the game. Ball boy doesn’t have any family money to fall back on and will be living on the streets of St. Louis in the next 2-3 months once his ball boy savings run out.

4.

The Moment: Aaron Rogers throws an absolute laser to Randall Cobb.

What You Thought Happened: Aaron demonstrated his incredible arm strength and accuracy. It’s really incredible to witness what some people can do with a football!

What Actually Happened: Randall Cobb broke another finger.

5.

The Moment: Troy Aikman revealed his new beard

troy aikman

 

What You Thought Happened: America appreciated Aikman’s new look. He’s probably raising a lot of money, too.

What Actually Happened: Aikman looks like shit.

6.

The Moment: TY Hilton gets emotional during post-game interview on the day his daughter is born.

What You Thought Happened: A professional athlete had a genuine, emotional moment on live television. That was really touching!

What Actually Happened: Hilton played a game instead of spending time with his newborn daughter. What a dick.

7.

The Moment: Odell Beckham makes a one-handed catch for a touchdown against the Cowboys.

What You Thought Happened: One of the best catches in the history of the NFL. That was absolutely ridiculous.

What Actually Happened: A absolutely meaningless play. The Giants are out of the playoff picture, so while that might have looked cool it has no effect on anything.

 

And so concludes the inaugural Sunday Hater column. Good luck tomorrow.

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