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This is it! The entire country awaits as the United States Men’s soccer team will be looking for a massive victory over Iran to secure their place in the Round of 16 in the World Cup. It’s a win, and you are in scenario. The team will need every ounce of juice the fanbase can give them. It’s time we as a nation join together to get this squad fired up and give them the perfect push to send them to the round of 16.
Are they ready for the best pre-game speech of all time?
“Gentlemen, take a knee. Last Friday, we went toe to toe with one of the best teams in the tournament. I figured this out after a quick Google search told me that England is really good. Unfortunately, we tied. Yes, tying is lame, but that performance is behind us. Now, the only thing on our mind is to just win, baby! Iran isn’t going to know what hit them when freedom comes running onto that pitch.
“We are prepared to do battle any time, any place. This game could be played on Uranus, in a swimming pool with Greg Louganis, or in a cornfield where the only spectator is a Praying Mantis. We are coming for that Iranian ass. I have watched zero seconds of the Iranian team in this World Cup, but I have watched every second of you guys. I can’t tell if it’s good soccer or not because, honestly, I’m still figuring out the rules. But damn, we haven’t lost. That has to mean something, right?
“There’s no time for a draw and certainly no time for a loss. Today, we show the world that America is a soccer country. 90 minutes. Plus, whatever extra time is needed. I am still trying to figure that one out. Okay, 90+ minutes to become a team your nation remembers forever. I’ll leave you with this quote from former president George W. Bush. I think it sums up what other countries think about our soccer team.
“They misunderestimated me.”
–In Bentonville, Arkansas, on November 6, 2000
I’ll see you on the pitch!
