World Cup 2022: A Team USA Pre-Game Speech


Tea vs. freedom. Revolutionary War losers vs. Revolutionary War winners. James Bond vs. freakin’ Burt Macklin, FBI. The stage is set—England vs. U.S.A. Friday can become one of the biggest days in American soccer history if the red, white, and blue boys bring home the W.

Futbol is taking center stage in the greatest country in the world. It’s time to give them a pre-game speech they will never forget.

“Men, take a knee. (Waits for everyone to take a knee) I know you guys are ready to take on a country with a fake king. A country that doesn’t know what freedom means even if it hit them right in the Brexit. This is our time! When we wake up each morning pissing excellence, we know it’s because we are from the U.S. of A baby. Yeah, we’re just now getting used to futbol. We’ve been busy playing actual football, but now it’s time for us to dominate football with feet. We’ve come too far to lose to a country that names a clock after a mediocre Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback.

“Tonight, we make Benedict Arnold roll over in his grave. Tonight, we once again embarrass England on the national stage. This win isn’t just for us all in here. It’s for the men and women back home that will be ordering DoorDash right before we take the pitch. It’s for those who don’t know the rules of this game and will endlessly scroll through social media during the game. This is for apple pie, where soarin’ eagles fly and where we never forget the day Dale Earnhardt died. Don’t take this honor lightly. It’s time to send all the kingsmen back home to their mums.”

Signed, every red-blooded American that has ever tried to get into soccer and just can’t. It’s coming home!

USMNT vs England Live Stream: Watch 2022 World Cup Online
USMNT vs England Live Stream: Watch 2022 World Cup Online
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