Florida Man Arrested For Stealing Pool Floats, Banging Them

via Brevard County Jail

Chris Monnin says one of two things is going to happen when he’s in need of sex: he’s either going to bang a pool float or rape a woman. Thank god he’s been stealing pool floats at an alarming rate because this is clearly a man whose brain isn’t in the best spot. I’m talking Chris is at least 75 pool floats deep. He’s been breaking into Palm Bay, Florida pools and stealing floats and might’ve been at it over the last seven months, according to the local fuzz.

From the Sebastian Daily:

On Thursday morning at approximately 1:25 a.m., police stopped a suspicious person who had a large garbage bag full of deflated pool floats.

Christopher William Monnin, 35, admitted to stealing the pool floats, and recently a bacon-shaped one because he has sex with them, the report said.

“Defendant stated that he sexually gratifies himself with the floats and does this instead of raping women,” the officer said.

Police went to Monnin’s home, located at the 1000 block of Starfire Street in Palm Bay, and found approximately 75 pool floats.

One victim who had a bacon shaped pool float stolen says no thanks to pressing charges on Monnin. This is probably the best for everyone involved here. Actually, people around town should hit up a Target and buy everything they have. Chris can show up to a specific location once a day and get himself a new inflated spank bank.

This is quite a list of charges for Chris:

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