College football is finally back which means betting on MLB games (nearly impossible) is finally over. There’s no better rush than losing a hundred dollars over a meaningless pick-six, botched extra point, or taking a knee 5 yards out from the endzone. Cowherd has the blazing five so we are going to show him up here my picks. I’ll be providing almost zero actual insight into the games themselves and will be taking mostly favorites this week which is pretty much rule #1 of what not to do when betting but fuck it. Tread lightly before you take my picks, but then again maybe we’ll go 5-0 and take a shit on some bookies.
1) Clemson -7.5 (Saturday 9pm)
The fact that John Franklin III was even in a battle for the starting QB job at Auburn is a fucking joke. For any ‘Last Chance U’ watchers like myself, I think we can all agree he sucks and the only reason he got a scholarship to Auburn is because he scored 6 TD’s in the first half against Mississippi Deaf & Blind Community College. He may have scored 12 if they got to play the full game, but they decided to have a royal rumble instead. Anyways, Clemson has huge expectations and Deshaun Watson is back and I expect (hope) them to win by 10 or more and Dabo Swinney will be doing his goofy ass dance shit in the locker room.
2) ROLL DAMN TIDE -11.5 (Saturday 8pm)
Rammer Jammer Alabammer! I don’t give a damn who their starting QB is, Saban will have the boys ready to beat ass and Lane Kiffin can’t wait to put it on SoCal. Not even sure who Alabama’s heir to Derrick Henry’s spot at running back will be, but I’m fairly confident he will be a mix of Harambe and a Cummins Diesel Truck (with a chrome nutsack). The pretty boys from Cali aren’t ready for the Tide.
3) UCLA +3 (Saturday 3:30pm)
Ever since Josh Rosen saw that chick from Arizona holding up a sign with her number on it, then had her in a hot tub in his dorm a week later, I’ve been a huge fan. I love a good Jewish quarterback.On the flip side, Texas A&M has had like 10 unsuccessful quarterbacks since Billy Vegas, and I don’t think Trevor Knight will be much different especially after his recent breakup with Sadie Roberson (bet it’s because she wouldn’t sex him).
4) LSU -10.5 (Saturday 3:30pm)
Bayou Bengals all the way. Les is going to eat so much Lambeau grass and Big Leonard Fournette will have his way with the Badgers. As a Buckeye fan I can’t take Wisconsin seriously anymore after that 59-0 ass whooping we served them in the B1G title game a few years back. Not to mention their new QB’s name is Bart Houston. That sounds like a fucking dectective’s name on a Nick Jr show. LSU is the favorite for the national title in a lot of people’s eyes and they will show why Saturday. Main reason I’m picking them is because I really like how they spell Geaux Tigers instead of Go Tigers. Those Cajuns are so stinkin’clever.
5) Notre Dame -3.5 (Sunday 7:30pm)
Texas still sucks to me until they prove they don’t suck. As long as Notre Dame still has enough to field a team, since like half of them are felons, I feel comfortable taking the Irish. Kizer and Zaire splitting time ought to be pretty interesting to watch, but after last years debacle in South Bend it’s hard for me to imagine Notre Dame not winning by at least 4. This is the only meaningful game on Sunday so lets pound some Guinness and Jameson and hope for an Irish win.