Need more proof that Russell Wilson, the marketing robot that the NFL needed, is a complete kook? I mean, there was the whole thing about being celibate with Ciara because God told Russ to lead Ciara. Let’s go back to what Marketing Robot said this summer at one of these kooky church gatherings that athletes do to expand their brands.
And so I’ll never forget: She was on tour, she was traveling, and I was looking at her in the mirror. I was sitting in the dressing room, and she was getting ready to go, about 15 minutes before she went on stage. And she was sitting there, and God spoke to me and said, ‘I need you to lead her.’ And I was like, ‘Really? Right now?’
“He goes, ‘I want you and need you to lead her.’
“So I told her right then and there, what would you do if we took all that extra stuff off the table and just did it Jesus’ way?”
That’s right, God was sitting there before a Ciara concert in a dressing room. He didn’t have anything better to do like heal cancer patients or stop parents from beating their kids to death. God took time out of his busy schedule to sit down with Marketing Robot to explain how he didn’t want these two banging before they were married.
Uh huh.
So that brings us to today, a day when the Russell Wilson Marketing Robot Rolling Stone cover was revealed and the September feature story was published on the dot com. It seems that the Marketing Robot has discovered — and shocker, has invested — in a miracle water that he couldn’t wait to talk about to Rolling Stone.
Another venture is slightly less altruistic. Wilson is an investor in Reliant Recovery Water, a $3-per-bottle concoction with nanobubbles and electrolytes that purportedly helps people recover quickly from workouts and, according to Wilson, injury. He mentions a teammate whose knee healed miraculously, and then he shares his own testimonial.
“I banged my head during the Packers game in the playoffs, and the next day I was fine,” says Wilson. “It was the water.”
Rodgers offers a hasty interjection. “Well, we’re not saying we have real medical proof.”
But Wilson shakes his head, energized by the subject. He speaks with an evangelist’s zeal.
“I know it works.” His eyes brighten. “Soon you’re going to be able to order it straight from Amazon.”
And then Marketing Robot doubled down and made sure to tweet out the greatness of this miracle water on the day Rolling Stone hit the shelves.
Here’s the hit.
You can already buy this stuff at Whole Foods and soon your kooky ultra-athletic Facebook friends will be talking about how great this stuff is after a 5k color run. That would be the same store that was selling asparagus water for $6 a bottle.
Ironically, Recovery Water’s fine print doesn’t make claims that it can prevent concussions.
**Studies conducted by University of Florida and Seattle Sports Medicine found that those who integrated Recovery Water into their active lifestyle experienced less muscle damage and 20% decrease in muscle fatigue. For more information, see the articles in The American Physiological Society Journal of Applied Physiology and the Hindawi Physiology Journal.
Ever had the feeling that Russell Wilson, the Marketing Robot, is just too good to be true? All the hospital visits. All the praise that’s tossed his way. All the feel good stories. All the Bible verse tweets.
Where was God when Marketing Robot was going through a divorce? I thought the Lord solved such issues and saved broken hearts. Nah, instead he shows up at Ciara concerts to tell Russ to wait until he gives her the tip.
Do you have a sleazy Russell Wilson story to share? I want to hear about it. You’ll stay anonymous.
mail@bustedcoverage.com
