New Years Eve is an exciting time for a lot of people. For some reason, there are those who like to dress up nice, hit the town and celebrate another year going down the drain. I really don’t understand it- maybe I never will. To me, New Years should be a time of mourning- not celebration. Think about it. What’s so great about the fact that we’re all now one year closer to our inevitable, meaningless death? And don’t give me that “new year, clean slate” bullshit. Face it: you’re not going to be any better in 2015 than you were in 2014.
On that note, I decided to compile a list of everything I hate about New Years. 15 key things came to mind. Here they are:
1. More Meaningless Bowl Games
I don’t care if your team is playing, nobody should care about what happens in the Goodyear Cotton Bowl, Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl, or Meineke Mindfuck Bowl. I’d rather rewatch White Christmas than sit through another College Football bowl game that doesn’t really matter and whose name was hijacked by some outlandish corporate sponsor.
FYI: I’m actually very excited for the CFB playoff. Not counting those games in this rant.
2. Bullshit Resolutions
In 2015, I will be a better friend/family member.
In 2015, I will stop being such a fatass.
In 2015, I will be more adventurous
In 2015, I will maintain better hygiene.
In 2015, you will most definitely be the exact same shitty person.
3. Overpriced Bar covers
I considered two different bar events for New Years eve. The cheaper option was $75 a ticket. The more expensive option was $100 a ticket. No drink deals are included for either. I will be staying home.
4. High School Acquaintances
It’s so. much. fun. – to catch up with the people you couldn’t stand for four whole years!
5. That Stupid Fucking Ball
Holy shit does that ball take long to “drop.”
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujBkgigscRI]
6. Confetti
I don’t understand why people enjoy getting doused with annoying amounts of colored paper. If you dump that stuff on me you better believe I will not be helping clean up.
7. Those Stupid Cone Hats
These hats don’t look cool enough to be so incredibly uncomfortable.
8. Streamers
Pure waste and a huge inconvenience to tall people.
9. Zoomers
The only sound worse than that of a zoomer is the shriek of a diseased baby on a small airplane.
10. Hangovers
Count this twice if you have to work the next day.
11. False Hope
Similar to #2, but broader. I find it really sad that people start out with such high expectations for the new year, only to see those expectations crash and burn- just like the Philadelphia Eagles. Depressing.
12. The Close of the NFL Regular Season
This is a really shitty time for anyone with a below average football team.
13. Not having someone to kiss at midnight
Is there anything more awkward than being that loser with his hands in his pockets when the clock strikes midnight? Humiliating.
14. Surge Pricing
Thanks to Uber, a $150 dollar night can quickly turn into a $300 one if you plan on actually getting home.
15. Social Media
Dear person who posts 6 nearly identical group pics with captions similar to this: “Closing out 2015 with my besties!!!! #drunk #literally #hello2015” Please stay in 2014.