The MLB offseason is in full swing with transactions coming in furiously as players and agents try to cash in before Turkey Day. Already we’ve seen Giancarlo Stanton take all of the Marlins’ money (and pop champagne awkwardly in a club), Jason Heyward and Shelby Miller switch places and Russell Martin sign a deal to return to America’s hat.
But the offseason isn’t just teams filling voids on the field—it’s also about job seekers battling each other to the death in a resume war for a coveted position with an MLB team. (Honestly, it’s damn impossible. I probably applied to at least 15 different internships with an MLB team while in college. I’m pretty sure you have to be the bratty son of a well-connected father who somehow knows the team’s owner).
Anyway, you can see the full list of open positions here, if you are interested. For the purposes of this piece, however, I will be highlighting the more interesting positions teams are trying to fill.
Are you a blue-collar person with painting experience? Boom, this is for you.
You’ll also need to touch up seating areas and common areas and everywhere else paint is needed.
As far as qualifications, all you need is a HS Diploma or GED and extreme knowledge of the painting game. Oh, and calm under pressure—because painting is no joke.
For all of you hospitality folks out there:
All you need in your skillset is an ability to talk to children (rough) and knowledge of the Astros (easy, they blow).
Also preferred, but not listed, is knowledge of Tal’s Hill, because you know people are going to ask why there is a goddamn hill in centerfield.