Blakey Locks’ Remix of Common’s All-Star Game Intro

If you (wisely) choose to do something better with your Sunday nights then watch the NBA All-Star Game and if you (wisely) don’t live on Twitter then you probably missed Common’s bizarre intro for the All-Star rosters. Something “funny” is supposed to happen every year during these intros because the whole weekend has to be a show. To my knowledge, Shaq dancing with the Jabbawockeez is the only actually funny intro in All-Star game history.

But I guess Common was so bad that it was actually pretty good. That being said, I could do better. So I have taken the last half an hour or so to create my own version of the Common All-Star Intro (it’s supposed to be bad). Enjoy.

Team LeBron Reserves

“He can steal the ball, but he ain’t no crook, introducing Russell Westbrook”

“I memorized this whole rap exactly verbatim, that means it’s time for Jayson Tatum”

“He may look a little bit homeless, but he’s actually a nice guy, Damontas Sabonis”

“I can’t find shit to rhyme with Simmons and write with my pen, so you might as well just come on out Ben”

“He may look like a former stockbroker, a heavy smoker, and a guy addicted to poker, but we just call him the Joker, Nikola Jokic!”

“He’s not playing tonight because he twisted his ankle while shopping at Dillard’s, but here he is, Damian Lillard!”

“He got called up late so he had to throw out his hooker, you know him, it’s Devin Booker!”

Team LeBron Starters

“He got here late because his car wasn’t ready at Avis, it’s Anthonyyyyy Davisssss!”

“He was covered in glitter and smelled like strippers when he entered, it’s Kawhiiii Leonard!”

“When his teammates yell “PASS” he says “Pardon?” it’s Jamessss Harden!”

“The only team I’ve ever been to Slovenia I smoked too much hookah, now give it up for Luka!”

“Whenever something goes wrong there is someone he blames, your captain, LeBron Jamesssss!”

Team Giannis Reserves

“If he’s sore after the game he can just take a couple Acetaminophen, it’s Khris Middletonnn!”

“His ass is so big, that before his wedding his wife gave him a huge dowry, Mr. Kyleee Lowryyyy!”

“If he keeps playing this well, soon he’ll be more like,,, Donovan Rich-ell folks,,, (long silent pause) Donovan Mitchell!”

“He deserves to be in this game, we swear… here comes Rudy Gobert!”

“He left Chicago because he couldn’t stand living in the shadow of Jay Cutler, introducing Jimmy Butler!”

“One time he got so high he thought he was a pilgrim, it’s Bradon Ingram!”

“When you say ‘jam’ he says ‘yes ma’am,’ here comes BAM……. *quietly* Adebayo…”

Team Giannis Starters

“From what I’ve heard he’s incredibly well hung, now give it up for Trae Young!”

“If you don’t respect his game I’ll shove you in a locker, Kembaaa Walker!”

“One of my favorites philosophers is Wiliam of Ockham, here comes Paskal Siakam!”

“I heard his favorite golfer of all-time is the great Sam Snead, now let’s hear it for Joel Embiid!”

“He has an incredible special homemade recipe for Swiss Miss, your captain, GIANNISSSSS!”

That’s all folks! Now I am going to proceed to delete all my social media and never write anything again! Thanks for reading!

NSFWBDs React To Common’s All-Star Game Introductions
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