Howdy, everybody! I am here to guide you on how to take full advantage when it comes to gambling, watching all the sports you want, and avoiding any unwanted family on Thanksgiving! I personally love Thanksgiving, but I think that’s because I’ve perfected the science of it. You have to play the day perfectly to optimize your experience. You don’t want to be the person that everybody talks about later and throws out words like “degenerate” “alcoholic” or “adopted” butttt you also don’t want to miss out on any of the action that you so desperately crave. So, I’m going to lay out a schedule on how to best attack Turkey Day. Best of luck, friends.
10:00 AM- Pour your first drink of the day. You don’t need to drink allll day but it’s a good idea to start your day with one to get your mind right. Maybe a mimosa? I personally think the screwdriver is the GOAT of breakfast beverages.
10:30 AM- This might be the most important step of all: I know it’s hard, but try to have all your bets in for the day before the first game starts and before you start drinking heavily. When you’ve had a few dad beers and are looking for any possible excuse to avoid your family, it’s easy to start betting the o/u on Bo Scarborough rushing yards and that’s how you end up losing all your money by dinner time and taking it out on your least favorite uncle.
11:00 AM- First game of the day: Maryland/Temple hoops tips off on ESPN2. Don’t be afraid to have some action on this game to get your juices flowing.
12:30 PM- The first football game kicks off, it’s Mitch Trubisky vs. Jeff Driskel so if you have any errands to run, just bet the first half under and get those errands done so you can start drinking heavily by the time the second half starts.
4:00 PM- First game ends. You’ve had several dad beers. Depending on when your family does the meal, this could be the witching hour in the kitchen. Everything is close to being done and it’s now a madhouse to try to get everything ready at the same time. Perfect time to find an upstairs bathroom, clear out the system before the big meal, and look at Instagram stories of everyone else’s Thanksgiving plates even though you don’t care.
4:25 PM- This is the second reminder to have all your bets for the night. You have two more NFL games, a few college hoops games, and the Egg Bowl still to go. Don’t get reckless. You will lose any bets you place after this time.
5:00 PM- Dinner is served. If you can, try to score a seat at the table where you can see the TV. In my family, not everyone is going to fit at the dining room table this year, so my dad and I quickly volunteered to sit at a second table in the kitchen where we’ll have our own TV and don’t even have to pretend to not be watching. Vet move.
7:00 PM- You’ve eaten more than even you thought you could. You feel sick to your stomach and you can’t tell if you’re too drunk, too full, or if it’s because your Bills +7 looks dead (HINT: it’s all three). Take a nap on the couch. Best case you wake up and the Bills had a miracle cover, worst case you lost but you’re rejuvenated for a few more hours of SPORTS!
8:20 PM- Hopefully you’re back home or wherever you’re staying for the night and don’t have to worry about socializing anymore. Get Ole Miss/Miss State on one screen, Saints/Falcons on the other, and fall asleep with a Great Lakes Christmas Ale in your hand.
2:16 AM- Wake up in a cold sweat on the couch wondering what happened and how the fuck you’re going to pay your bookie on Monday. RIP.
That’s really the best advice I can give! I love Thanksgiving, and in all seriousness enjoy days like this with your loved ones because they don’t come around often enough. Happy Thanksgiving from me, Blakey Locks and don’t be what your bookie is thankful for on Thursday night!