It only took three days, but the Vikings appear to have finally found a way to distance themselves from Adrian Peterson’s legal woes. The arcane, convenient, completely not made up “Commissioner Exempt” list hints that the Shield has yet again successfully fended off another cruise missile aimed at its solvency. If the Rice/Adrian Peterson dueling crises proved anything, it’s that the NFL should stay in its lane as a multi-billion dollar ATM and away from moral arbiter of justice. That’s what Skip Bayless is for.
With ISIL breathing down our necks, it’s dark days indeed in America, especially when we can’t even look to football for escapism. America needs now more than ever is to be reminded that football is fun. America needs to smile again. America needs famous people to talk like pirates.
“We get to put on a light on a charity from New York and shed some light for some people,” NFL Insider and loveable galoot of the football media intelligentsia Jay Glazer said. “Captain Morgan is for drinking responsibly.”
Glazer partnered with Captain Morgan to take advantage of September 19th’s “International Talk Like a Pirate Day” by having fans raise a glass of “Captain & Colaaarr,” throw up their swag juice on social media, and then have the Captain donate $1 for every #CaptainandColaaarr hashtagged post to Glazer’s favorite charities, New York City’s City Harvest and Purple Heart Homes. City Harvest delievers food to Gotham’s hungry and Purple Heart Homes outfits homes for disabled veterans.
(Undergrad Robert alone would have raised at least $500 for Glazer’s charities. I drank the hell out of Captain in college. I also would have tweeted a lot more than just #CaptainandColaaarrr faded off the Captain too. #YOLO)
“It’s something fun that we thought we could do. The world really needs to add some levity,” Glazer said.
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Levity is what the hour calls for. Too bad that’s not at least for another couple days. It’s been “awful shit o’clock” going on for a week now with each passing hour comes another damning tweet from the Wilfs reading talking points about doing “right thing” in face of sponsors treating the Vikings like the late 2011 Penn State football program or that the Panthers are devising a scheme to get Greg Hardy on this magical list that opens up a roster spot, but keeps the embattled player under contract.
“I signed up to talk about football, if I wanted to report on social crimes, I would have gone to school for it,” Glazer said. As a single father, Glazer has been put in the precarious position for any parent who’s been forced to explain the more unseemly features of his or her job to his kids. He says that the Janus-faced story of domestic and child abuse that’s engulfed the NFL the last ten days has been “without a doubt” the hardest of his career. The problem is made worse when quote-unquote “football guys” are sent out to address issues above their pay grade.
“These are personnel guys, they’re there to coach football and evaluate players,” Glazer said in regards to when football coaches like Ron Rivera or personnel men like Rick Spielman are sent in front of the national media to address subjects much more important than how they’re going to address their two-deep at wide receiver.
“You’ve got to put out your legal team or owners to address the situation,” Glazer said.
Legal proceedings and sponsorships are what the lawyers and management are there for. Lost among the brutal headlines is the early 2014 football season, which is a subject Glazer is much better suited and comfortable to discuss.
“The Seahawks as the most violent team surprised me the most,” Glazer said in regards to early story lines that have piqued his interest. “As a MMA guy, for me violence solves a lot of problems so it was surprising to see them lose to San Diego. San Diego could be for real,” Glazer said.
Remember when Johnny Manziel with a bottle of Dom in hand, floating in a pool draped over an inflatable swan beckoned the demise of the NFL? Boy were those were the days…
Glazer is relieved that the hierarchy of football has nestled Manziel firmly on Cleveland’s bench where playing time, and by extension exposure, is earned and not given. Johnny Football just hasn’t earned the keys to the Browns offense yet. However, he’s on his way.
“He’s been a model citizen, he just doesn’t know what he’s doing,” Glazer said. “He’ thinking too much.”
This is probably the first time in Johnny Manziel’s life that you could accuse him of thinking, not even him even approach him to anything resembling overthinking.
Football or not, Glazer had a hashtag to publicize for raising money for charities he’s passionate about. Who in Glazer’s cell phone contacts would be the best “party pirate” to raising some money for two honorable organizations?
“Jared Allen, he’s Mikey from those old Life commercials. He’ll do anything.”
“Chuck Liddell, he slurs his words already.”
If Glazer could have one celebrity step up in front of the countr on Friday and sail with the Captain?
“Michael Strahan. He’ll do anything and we’re bros. It’s for two great charities, and if the only reason he didn’t do it, it’d be for out of spite.”
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Strahan would make a fine pirate, but I’d prefer seeing his morning show co-host give her best Captain Jack Sparrow impression.
If anything the last ten days have revealed to America that in spite of the colossus the National Football League portrays to the public, its public image of being beholden to a righteous purpose is nothing compared to the very real flesh and blood societal problems that its employees bruise and spill outside the lines. When its stripped down its bare essence, the NFL is just a game.
The very dim bright side to this whole debacle is that the sport’s visibility brought attention to abuses Americans typically tend to shy away from.
For that same reason, only in football and with its personalities like Glazer are you allowed to enjoy a refreshing Captain and Collaaarrr as you talk like a pirate all in an effort to have a massive brand like Captain Morgan donate to charity. It may not mean much, but it’s a way for Glazer to use that same game to lift people up.
“We don’t matter, so when can, we try to help people,” Glazer said.
Lead photo Cindy Ord/Getty Images