An Open Letter To Tim Tebow From Jesus Christ On How To Beat The Patriots

It’s now clear that Jesus Christ is on the side of Tim Tebow. No human has ever had so many miracle NFL victories with such little talent as Baby Jesus. You think Steve Young had miracle victories at 25 in the NFL? Pffft. He was getting killed as a Tampa QB. Eh, 5-11 in 1990 & nearly run out of Denver. That was after Super Bowl runs. Today we call on Jesus to coach Tebow throw this Sunday’s game against Hoodie & the evil Pats.


Tim, from what the disciples tell me you are having one helluva season in the NFL. Pro Bowl is pretty much a guarantee. They also tell me you’ve been honoring me after touchdowns and after Matt Prater wins games with OT field goals. Bless you, my son. I’m also told that you have a very important game this Sunday against the New England Patriots, which I’ve heard are coached by a devilish character who curses and takes the Lord’s name in vain.

Tim, failure is not an option this week. This is good vs. evil. Hoodie vs. Baby Jesus. I’ve been keeping an eye on the point spread in Vegas and you are getting +7. Haha haha. The joke is on Belichick and sieve defense. Listen, in the first quarter we’re going to control the clock, maybe give Brady the ball two times. He’s going to try to run the hurry-up offense and dink and dunk to Gronk & Welker across the middle. Don’t get flustered. Gronk is like the most unholy human to ever step foot on a football field. A bolt of lightning has been reserved for him within the Red Zone anywhere near the 2:00 mark.

I might not give you the power to score more than one TD in the 1st half but that’s because CBS is using this game to lead into its Sunday night programming. Patience. I let you blowout Brady in the 1st half & people are asleep before Lara Logan pops up on 60 Minutes. Just be ready for my Word near the 6:00 mark of the 3rd quarter. When I say ‘Vonn’ that’ll be your cue that super-human powers are about to enter the blood stream. I plan to give you 120cc in passing ability and 160cc in ‘leadership’ ability for the 4th quarter.

Just know that, as Jesus, I’ve got $500 in my Bovada (used to be Bodog) account riding on this game. You must take the passing ability and 160cc of leadership and put it to good use. I plan on taking the $500 bones I win on this game and hammering some virgins so there’s no room for error. Look, the economy stinks here in Heaven and hotel rooms in the Heaven Vegas are going to run me at least $120 even with my player’s card. Let’s get the W. You go home with Vonn, I got to Heaven Vegas with my virgins and Hoodie goes home to Boston a game back for home-field advantage to the Ravens.

34-31 on a Prater field goal to win it sounds good to Jesus.

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