The Greatest Tweets in the History of the Internet* (*In the last 24 Hours)
The Rory McIlroy Open
@BarrettSallee: Rory is making shots that are impossible on the Tiger Woods video game…in easy mode.
Was waiting to see this kid pull a Greg Norman. History was there. He choked at Augusta, why wouldn’t he do it at the U.S. Open? It wasn’t even close. McIlroy was a damn assassin yesterday. Firing at pins, making every putt he looked at….Rory has some serious stones yesterday. Even better….when he won, no girlfriend to greet him. Smart move kid…..Catch and Release program for a while. Enjoy it.
@TheSportsHernia: Rory’s US Open performance is nearing “beating Contra with one guy” levels. #USOpen
I’d stop using @TheSportsHernia’s tweets each week, if he’s stopped being F’n spot on. Lure me in with a sports & video games connection, and you are in. I’m not sure if Rory used the cheat code for the US Open, but I’m pretty sure he had a Game Genie.
@JasonSobelGC: Graeme McDowell on Rory McIlroy: “He’s the best player I’ve ever seen.” I do believe the hyperbole machine hath runneth over…
What did 5 fingers say to Tiger Woods’ face?…….”SLAP”. McIlroy is straight golfing his ball right now, but let’s not CROWN HIS ASS, as Dennis Green would say. Think of him as J. Cole the rapper right now…..solid, but not up to Jay-Z level yet.
@DarrenRovell: Rory will make almost 2 times what Nicklaus made for his FOUR US OPEN WINS COMBINED (inflation adjusted $646,901).
Like I said Rory, smart move bringing a girlfriend along…..
Whitlock: Straight Trollin’
At the end of the U.S. Open, our good friend at FoxSports decided to have a little fun on Twitter……..
- Tiger would’ve never three-putted and disgraced his performance like that. Rory needs to grow up. #hesnotiger
- Rory has a helicopter dad. Earl kept his distance and let Tiger enjoy the spotlight. Earl was very humble. #wemissyoutiger
- Golden, family era of golf died when Elin abandoned her family. A wild bachelor like Rory will never be kind of role model Tiger was. #sad
Classic Whitlock. Damn. Thang. Done. As soon as you saw the first tweet, you could tell he was throwing some chum in the water, and yes, the sharks came to the boat. Tons of replies came at Whitlock, claiming him to be racist, idiotic, and my favorite….fat. You can see Whitlock from a mile away. Takes the biggest story, throws in a little twist, adds a pinch of race, and bam. Bravo sir. Way to play to the masses.
GIRLS WHO LOOK PRETTY & CAN ALMOST TALK CONTEST!
@KYSportsRadio: Early Miss USA highlights: Miss Indiana says she has more facial muscles than other people and Miss California says her passion is zipline
The question really is, would you ever want to wake up next to Miss California if here passion really wasn’t Zipline? Zipline is some deep spiritual shit. Legend hasn’t Mother Theresa’s deepest moments were on a Zipline. Abraham Lincoln thought of his opening line of the Gettysburg address after a Zipline bender.
@MadCowHeff: Kelly Osbourne doing play by play at Miss USA is like Simon Cowell doing play by play at the Super Bowl
Kelly Osbourne was the Reggie Miller of Pageant announcing last night. Here’s a question, if Kelly Osbourne’s dad hadn’t been a famous musician/crazy-ass would she be employed by anyone other than Carl’s Jr?
@ClayTravisBGD: Miss California points out that medical marijuana is “used as medicine.” Cogent analysis.
Did you see her legs? That’s good enough for me. Let’s not get carried away, I mean she’s not supposed to talk in a relationship anyway.
@KrissyBri: New Mexico looks like a cartoon character
Which girl didn’t look like a cartoon character? A hot, sexy, lickable, cartoon character that I would make sweet sweet love to until I needed to take a nap.
Burnt Toast Take:
The Miss USA contest is fine. Leave it alone. A little T, a little A, and questions that have been rehearsed 5000x times, yet the girls still can’t get it right. If you wanted a true Miss USA contest here should be the requirements and setup.
- Nick Saban
- Portia De Rossi
- Too Short
- Charles Oakley
- Johnny Weir
- No Make Up Contest
- Picture of their Mom Contest
- Cooking Competition
- Essay on Pro’s and Con’s of Designated Hitter
- Laundry and Folding Contest (Sexist yes, practical…yes)
Hot Chick That Looks Like A Cross of Jessica Rabbit & Ariel Miss USA Follow Of The Day: