From: The Desk Of Art McGregor, Busted Coverage Special Assignment Reporter
RE: Ranking The SEC Based On Hot Chicks (Part 6 of 6)
Weâ€™re all about the Yin and the Yang when Chinese philosophy is beneficial to us. Or when Yin and Yang are two Asian strippers headlining over at Dockside Dolls.
Lounging on an unseasonably warm day here in Columbus (indoors at a coffee shop drinking hot chocolate), Iâ€™m thinking the best part about having this relaxing day is having the stressful counterbalance of having to rank the girls at SEC schools and/or having a big family dinner.
As Iâ€™ve only been eating peanut butter and Stoufferâ€™s French Bread pizza (pre-heat oven to 350 degrees) for the past few weeks, I only struggle with the former.
Whenâ€™s the last time anyone compared SEC girls to Asian strippers? Has an Asian girl ever attended school in the Deep South?
These girls do the trick.
I hate doing hard work and plan each day accordingly. Iâ€™ve put off sizing up the Ladies of the SEC for this reason.
Must be noted that each school in the SEC probably would rank No. 1 in the Big East and Big Ten and second or third in the ACC and Big 12. Even Arkansas.
Hillary Rodham Clinton did not attend school in Fayetteville saving the Razorbacks from being ranked 13th in the league. Thereâ€™s Hope for you yet, Hogs.
On a Spring Break trip to Panama City Beach in 2001, I spent a lot of time at the Sand Piper Beacon. We had a buddy who looked like Macaulay Culkin if observed from 500 feet away. Most of the girls who believed us were the ladies from the University of Arkansas who had made the 13-hour trip to the Redneck Riviera.
Oddly enough, those girls also looked fantastic from 500 feet away.
11. Mississippi State
What do we know about Mississippi State?
Thereâ€™s two things off the top of my head. One isnâ€™t its nickname.
Youâ€™ve got the one being there hasnâ€™t been a sentence that hasnâ€™t included Sylvester Croomâ€™s name written about the school in the past four years and secondly they have the most letters on the front of their jerseys in all of Division I basketball.
If I was still collecting baseball cards and the year was still 1989, I also could have told you that Will Clark, Rafael Palmeiro and Bobby Thigpen all played for the Bulldogs.
We all went to high school with the girl we had a feeling would get far more attractive after high school but then rapidly decline once she hit 26 or 27. She partied a lot, wasnâ€™t a cheerleader, didnâ€™t play any sports and probably listened to Bush, Smashing Pumpkins and/or Incubus. Her hair color went from blonde to brunette once every six weeks and she visited a tanning salon far more often. Chances are she went to UK and now is a waitress back in her hometown.
Disregard the preceding paragraph if you went to high school more than five hours from Lexington, Ky.
The next two schools on this list make-up the conferenceâ€™s underachievers for a pair of different reasons.
I think most of us who think about these type of things (weâ€™re in about the .00001 percentile of people in the United States) envision girls in Tennessee as the type to dance around in abandoned farm houses while wearing cut-off jean shorts and belly shirts double-fisting bottles of Jack and Jim.
In reality, most girls at UT are far too interested in the F-word. They all talk about â€œfaithâ€ far too often.
Itâ€™s too bad.
Christ, most of these girls are far too concerned with religion, Christianity and Christ, Jesus H. to fully put forth the effort it takes to be included in the upper echelon of the SEC.
When discussing the girls in college who like sports, I always point out a couple things.
1.) Hot girls do not attend college basketball games.
2.) Hot girls do not like football.
Hear me out. I know girls in the south (even the hot ones) know a lot about college football. Itâ€™s mostly the only game in town and most parents in the south only had the Atlanta Braves, Miami Dolphins or New Orleans Saints to root for when growing up. All attention goes toward college football.
Still, these hot girls do not like football. Theyâ€™re not watching the Thursday night game. Theyâ€™re not watching the 10 p.m. Fox Sports Net Pac-10 game. Theyâ€™re not going to a bar on Sunday to watch the NFL.
The girls who do that are mostly unattractive or from the midwest.
Florida has the nationâ€™s premiere football program (sorry, USC) and attracts the thousands of girls in Florida who actually care about football outside the tailgating and social scene.
This isnâ€™t a good thing when discussing these rankings. Girls in Gainesville are starting to care too much about the outcome of football games.
Did a lot of research on Vanderbilt after finding out Friday Night Lightsâ€™ Lyla Garrity fictiously will be attending school there this August. Go â€™Dores!
Maybe Iâ€™ve been too hard on private schools in the past, but they donâ€™t really have the numbers to compete with the bigger schools. Fuck what ya heard in Hoosiers.
Everyone (the one guy I know who goes to school there … whatâ€™s up Thaddy B?!?!) associated with Vandy tells me the vast majority of girls at the school are gorgeous. Iâ€™m going quality over quantity here.
6. South Carolina
At an old job we had a regional director visit us from South Carolina. I spent the hour-long meet-and-greet with him trying to get his daughterâ€™s first name after finding out she went to school at South Carolina. I did this entirely for Facebook-stalking purposes as if you didnâ€™t know.
I donâ€™t consider South Carolina as a part of â€œThe Deep Southâ€ (Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas and Louisiana) but girls in Columbia think of themselves that way.
Thatâ€™s a great thing.
Letâ€™s all admit we love the 7:45 p.m. game on ESPN on Saturday nights in the fall if not for anything else but the crowd shots.
I remember watching the LSU-Auburn game on the Saturday night before I moved into the dorm for my freshman year at Ohio State. Based on about 17 seconds of footage coming back from commercials, I almost let my parents know Iâ€™d be taking off a quarter until my transfer papers were OK for Auburn.
I would have let them know had they still been awake. This was at 8:47 p.m.
Made it all the way to No. 4 without mentioning the sun dress. I donâ€™t think anyone would have beef (especially vegetarians) with my ranking the schools in the top four in any order.
Girls from Alabama do something to me.
I still get really nervous when I start talking to attractive girls. Since I only talk to hot girls from Alabama about once every 30 years, I am still pissed off I wanted to discuss the slogan on the stateâ€™s license plate with the only Alabama grad Iâ€™ve ever spoken to. Stars fell on Alabama and this girl too. She was wearing a sun dress. You can forgive me.
I didnâ€™t ask her if sheâ€™s the only person to ever have graduated from the school. Shoot.
Even if Ohio State had beaten LSU in the 2008 BCS National Championship game, most (straight) Buckeye males who made the trip to New Orleans still would only be talking about LSU girls.
Short jean skirts, cowboy boots and T-shirts. â€œThey all were real tan too!â€
I almost gave my time to the volunteer effort following Hurricane Katrina just for the off chance of meeting some of them Heaux Tigers.
Given the missed opportunity, I kind of was rooting for Hurricane Gustav this past Labor Day.
2. Ole Miss
Write me at firstname.lastname@example.org if youâ€™re interested in taking a road trip to Oxford, Ms. for a football game this fall. You must be into drinking, paying for some of my drinks, paying for a hotel room that I possibly could kick you out of if the need arises and doing everything I want while staying in a good mood for the entire trip and not complaining about â€œbeing tired.â€ Itâ€™d be helpful but not required if you knew a bunch of hot girls born between the years 1988 and 1991.
Take all the good things about the 72 other schools Iâ€™ve ranked and apply them to the University of Georgia.
UGA has it all. Itâ€™s a warm climate school in the south with an excellent mix of bitchy-hot girls and girls with money from the suburban Atlanta area. It also attracts a great many hotties from affluent suburbs in places like Charlotte, Jacksonville and South Carolina.
The girls like to party, are better looking than girls from the surrounding states and probably all have seen Gone with the Wind 612 times.
Thereâ€™s not a football fan in America who wouldnâ€™t mind getting between these girlsâ€™ hedges.
If youâ€™re wondering about a top 10 of all the schools in the BCS Iâ€™d have to go with 10. Clemson; 9. Texas; 8. LSU; 7. Florida State; 6. Ole Miss; 5. UCLA; 4. Arizona; 3. Georgia; 2. USC and 1. Arizona State.
Would love to hear some other thoughts.
Thanks for reading and Iâ€™m sure BC will have something else for me to keep you entertained on Friday mornings throughout the year.
(For more of Art McGregorâ€™s greatness visit him at Blog On The Run where heâ€™ll talk about getting drunk, failing with women and living the life of a man who usually strikes out.)