The Hottest Girls Of The BCS: Big Ten

Jen Maul of Ohio State and some of her, um, biggest fans.

From: The Desk Of Art McGregor, Busted Coverage Special Assignment Reporter

RE: Ranking The Big Ten Based On Hot Chicks (Part Three of 6-Part BCS Series)

• Hottest Of The ACC

• Hottest Of The Big East

Have a number of buddies who have decided to give up drinking during Lent. I know.

The selfish decision these three gents have made puts a huge damper on my well-being. Each member of the trio all ranks in the top five of people I text five days a week wondering about the prospect of “Drinking tonight?” I’m supposed to deal with this for the next 35 days?!

Need I remind them that the 11th Commandment states,”Thou shall not drink when others around them are drinking because sober people aren’t as fun and less apt to make bad decisions which leads to fun”?

One friend, any boozehound’s best friend, has decided in his infinite wisdom to forgo drinking and just get as stoned as possible before going out. This leads to multiple purchases of Snickers and inquiries about whether bars serve chicken fingers after midnight. He’s the one who most frequently asks, “Now when’s the exact minute Lent ends?” He told me about 73 hours into Lent that he “really could go for a Jaeger Bomb.”

For you, we’re lucky that I have not given up any of the above-mentioned substances. Without them, it’d be difficult to differentiate between most of the schools in the remaining BCS conferences. Ranking the Big East and ACC is easy. There is a definite hierarchy in each of those leagues. The next four conferences won’t be as easy. There’s a vast lack of disparity between the top and bottom (top and bottom … niiiiice) of the Big 10, Big XII, Pac 10 and SEC.

Other than Northwestern and Michigan in the Big 10/11.

11. Northwestern

On a trip to Evanston around the turn of the millennium, we visited Northwestern for its annual Dillo Day celebration. Dillo Day, the school’s best weekend of partying, is like a Tuesday or Wednesday between 9 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. at most state schools in the United States.

My buddy Tod hooked up with an NU undergrad and the girl spent most of the afternoon, outdoor make-out session inquiring about the spelling of Tod’s last name. She repeatedly asked about the spelling of his last name. Has this ever happened to you? No. No it hasn’t. Why? You’ve never partied at Northwestern. Neither has anyone at Northwestern.

10. Michigan

I grew up hating Michigan. I graduated from Ohio State. I dealt with loss after loss to the piss-color-yellow-and-navy-blue team from Ann Arbor during the 1990s. None of that has anything to do with this ranking.

Girls from Michigan (the state) are not unattractive. They actually are kind of hot. (Forget Detroit is a part of Michigan.) Hell, I’ve spent a nice part of the past two years trying to get a girl from Michigan to go to dinner with me. She’s said yes a few times and no a few times more and we’ve still never gone to dinner. She once called me “an older man.” She graduated from high school in 2006. I probably creep her out.

If you asked 100 male undergrads at UM to rank the girls of the Big 10, Michigan would be tenth or 11th on about 85 percent or more of those ballots.

Given the immense size of the university, Michigan probably leads the nation in ugly girls. At least they didn’t go 3-9 in football this past fall or anything.

9. Purdue
Closer to No. 1 in the Big 10 than No. 10.It’s an engineering school in the middle of Indiana. While a fair share of attractive girls from Indianapolis suburbs Boiler Up, you’re not seeing a mass infusion of girls from around the country. Harry’s Chocolate Shop (the school’s best bar) tells you to “Go Ugly Early.” You don’t have to go “ugly,” I’d just suggest going “early” because the options aren’t always top-notch in West Lafayette.

8. Minnesota

See? It’s tough to rank these middle-of-the-pack Big 10 schools. Shit. I’m struggling here people but I’m doing good work. I’m doing something my grandma could be real proud of.As for Minnesota girls, I don’t know. They could be better looking than girls at Iowa or Wisconsin or wherever else, but these girls chose to go to school in Minneapolis. Let’s not start comparing them to the girls in Tempe or Tuscon just yet.

7. Penn State

The Northeast has a lot going for it. Dominant sports franchises in New England. Stunning foliage in the fall. Lots of people who probably know the difference between a yacht and a regatta.

Other than transplants into New York City, the northeast certainly lacks any consistency in the “hot chick” department.

Again, this is a climate issue. Penn State, the most easterly of Big 10 schools, would rank second or third in the Big East and in the upper half of the ACC, but the Nits linger toward the bottom of the Big 10.

6. Iowa

There’s a place in Chicago called Merkle’s Bar & Grill that is an “Iowa bar.” I find this remarkable because 99 percent of the United States not only has never been to Iowa, but also doesn’t know anyone from Iowa. This place usually is packed as well. We were at Merkle’s after Iowa’s win over Penn State this past fall and saw a lot of blonde girls in Iowa T-shirts. They all looked really good after I had spent the previous 12 hours alternating between canned and draft Miller Lite.

5. Illinois
A lot like the University of Maryland and Miami (Fla.) in the respect that you have so much talent in state, how aren’t you keeping it for yourself? Illinois girls are fun and like to party, but most of the really hot girls from Chicago are going elsewhere. This might have to do with, oh I don’t know, Illinois being in Champaign. The town that shares a hyphen with Urbana certainly is not the champagne of cities.
I will say this about Illinois, if your goal is to hook up with a 6.5 or maybe a 7.7, Illinois is the spot for you. Illinois has the sluttiest girls in the Big 10.

4. Wisconsin

Madison is the best college town in the Big 10. There’s no way you’re not having fun on State Street. Those hot girls from Chicago? Yep. They are going to Wisconsin for whatever reason. The only thing that keeps the Badgers from being ranked higher is girls from Wisconsin also attend UW.

3. Indiana
I’ve never seen an unattractive coed on any of my visits to IU. It’s Indiana so it’s not like they are pulling in the top of the line talent but the admissions process must include a section on “I wouldn’t automatically think ‘ugly’ when I see this girl out at a bar.”
We once spent a 3.5 hour car ride home from Bloomington talking about our jealousy toward male bartenders at Kilroy’s on Kirkwood and then the next seven hours wondering how much tail they must pull.

2. Ohio State

Ohio State competes for league titles in all the big sports every year. Without doubt, it’s the most well-rounded athletic university in the conference this decade. Whatever. None of these teams are the best at the school.

The Jersey Chasers win the national title every year. Ever wonder how Ohio State gets top talent in just about every sport?

Most girls at Ohio State literally think athlete penis is made of gold and tastes like frozen Reese Cups. And 86 percent of them know this to be true.
Ohio State girls have five aspirations at all times: 1. Look hot yet laugh off any suggestion that they’re trying to look hot while texting someone who might know where athletes are, 2. Take pictures for their 147th album on Facebook, 3. Be around athletes, 4. Parlay their success at being hot into becoming a bartender at a bar athletes frequent, 5. Look hot.

You could take the top 1,000 girls at Ohio State and line up them against the top 1,000 at any other school in the nation and the Buckeyes would fare quite well. (We’d still probably go 0-9 versus the SEC.) If anyone wants to hire me from such an undertaking, I’d consider it.

1. Michigan State

Too many bullshit beer commercials on television talking about “a perfect blend.” Too few sports blog rankings about which schools have the hottest girls.

The girls at Michigan State can do something girls at no other Big 10 school can accomplish. They can take a picture with a group of four or more girls and not have one unattractive girl in the entire picture.

Michigan State girls are nice, they are hot, they like to party and most of them aren’t exactly turning down scholarship offers from Michigan and Northwestern. Spartans epitomize the perfect blend.

Going west young man isn’t always your best calling when East Lansing’s within driving range.

I’ll be looking at the Big XII next Friday as we make our way to number one.

Good thing I didn’t give up being a heartless bastard with no soul who doesn’t mind objectifying women for Lent.

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