The Hottest Girls Of The BCS : The ACC

See more of Paige, including her posing with deer mounts.

From: The Desk Of Art McGregor, Busted Coverage Special Assignment Reporter

RE: Ranking The ACC Based On Hot Chicks (Part Two of 6-Part BCS Series)

Quite possibly the worst scenario I ever could imagine myself having to deal with is living in ACC territory at 3:30 p.m. on a Saturday afternoon in October and having to watch Maryland (4-3, 2-2) play No. 24 North Carolina (5-2, 3-1) on ABC while No. 2 Texas hosts No. 13 Texas Tech and No. 4 Ohio State travels to No. 21 Michigan State at the same time on the same network.

Quite possibly the worst scenario Mrs. Snyder (my seventh-grade English teacher) ever could imagine is one of her former students writing a sentence that long.

Would any of us mind if ESPNU just had total broadcast rights to ACC football? I know a lot of us would really miss not being able to see N.C. State’s last-ditch effort to become bowl eligible on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, but mostly, by moving the ACC to the ‘U’ those of you living in all the states south of Maryland that touch the Atlantic Ocean would be open to watching actual good football.

The second worst scenario is being a male student at Georgia Tech.

Now for the rankings. Enough with the scenarios.

Here we go, yo.

12. Georgia Tech

Once heard a University of Georgia undergrad (male … so I didn’t pay much attention) say that he actually feels bad for the guys at Georgia Tech. Should I feel for my Yellow Jacket brethren? I often don’t creep into the intersection up to four seconds after a red light turns green while thinking about this conundrum. People beep their horns. Maybe that’s just because of my “Ted Kennedy’s Car Has Killed More People Than My Gun” bumper sticker. I live in college town that also doubles as a state capital. There’s a lot of people who wear sensitive pants in Columbus, Ohio.

Guys at Georgia Tech get to live in Atlanta. Atlanta is like the Chicago of the south, only less Major League Baseball teams. As is the case with Chicago and the hottest chicks from the Big 10, scores of hot women from SEC country descend upon Atlanta post-graduation with their communication and marketing degrees and look to make a splash. They often make this splash with proclamations about how “excited they are for the weekend!” on their Facebook status updates. Advantage, SEC.

Now if we’re taking into account the metro area surrounding a school, Georgia Tech scores way higher and nearly all SEC schools rank at the bottom. I’m looking at you, Greater Gainesville Area.

We’re not talking about metro areas here. We’re discussing simply those females that spend most of their waking hours on campus.

Georgia Tech caters to the trolls known as female engineering students. I dated a female engineering student in college. I blame the deterioration of the relationship on the ugliness of her classmates.

If you can count all the attractive female engineers you know on more than just your right hand, you only have two fingers on that right hand.

11. Boston College

Little Rock, Pasternak, Mickey Mantle, Kerouac, Sputnik, Chou En-Lai, Boston College girls make me cry. On the bright side, none look as bad as children of thalidomide.

Same as Georgia Tech. Boston’s a great city with plenty of tail. Boston College’s a great school but you have to figure some of the Lady Eagles actually deal walk around with primordial tails.

10. Wake Forest

Not brainy enough for Duke, no interest in going to UNC and girls at Wake Forest possess a brain, disqualifying them from attending N.C. State. Above average, church going, Protestant gals from one of the Carolinas with boring, non-sports fan fathers become Demon Deacons. Too small of a school to really count.

9. Duke

Received a bunch of e-mails during this past week criticizing my rankings of Big East schools. Many had a problem with the way I put all the private schools toward the bottom. “Those schools cost a lot of money,” they said, “and you know that most hot chicks come from families that have a lot of money.” True and true. I agree with that when it comes to high schools and the varying degrees of hotness of female students at those schools (DISCLAIMER PURELY FOR DISCLAIMER PURPOSES: I only check out the girls who are at least 18). Just because a school is expensive doesn’t mean it’s going to have exclusively hot girls. Have you seen the majority of girls at a Duke, Georgetown or Vanderbilt basketball game? Plus, Duke sucks.

8. Virginia

Virginia is miles ahead of the bottom four. The chasm between Duke and Virginia is far greater than the distance of The Thomas Jefferson River Canoe Trail.

Ladies can’t put in the requisite hours in the tanning bed and piercing and tattoo parlors AND gain admission to UVA.

7. Maryland

After all my trips to College Park, Md. I’m always left with one thought: “Most of these girls look like the most average looking lifeguard at a hotel pool in Virginia Beach.”

It’s a shame for the University of Maryland. The suburbs surrounding D.C. are amongst the most affluent in the nation. Basic math here. Affluent suburbs produce the best looking girls. I don’t know how any straight male under the age of 50 could teach at a Beltway-area high school like Walt Whitman or Winston Churchill and not break certain laws.

Most of these chicks have money and would rather go far away to some random school than “stick around home” and attend Maryland or UVA.

At least one of the hot chicks in all the classes you’ll skip this afternoon is from Bethesa, Md. or northern Virginia.

6. Virginia Tech

For whatever reason, Virginia Tech does all right for itself in attracting some decent looking girls every year. The campus is not a warm climate, the school is in the middle of nowhere and has the word “Tech” in its name yet somehow gets attractive high school seniors from all over the eastern time zone to say, “I want to spend the next four-plus years in Blacksburg, Va.!” VT doesn’t have a whole bunch of 9’s or 10’s walking around, then again, most numbers can’t travel by foot.

5. N.C. State

N.C. State is an also-ran in ACC athletics, academics and women. That should be the last sentence in any press release the university sends out. We all know an N.C. State girl. She’s the friend of the hot friend that isn’t ugly or unattractive (but thinks she’s 10 times more attractive than she really is). She always is either the most drunk or the most pissed off that the hot friend is getting all the attention and always looks ready to leave whatever party she’s at because not enough (tall) guys are showing her love. I fuckin’ hate N.C. State Girl even though I don’t know anyone that goes or went to school there.

4. Miami

Most overrated of the BCS schools when it comes to girls. Yes, Miami (Dade County) has abundant talent from all over the world. The same does no apply to “The U.” Girls at the school have an unfair weather advantage over the rest of the ACC yet still don’t make the top division of the league. Other than the Big 10 (where no school has a weather advantage), the top-ranked school in all other BCS conferences is the school that enjoys the best climate. Do not confuse South Beach with Miami (Fla.)

3. North Carolina

Are there any girls at Carolina that aren’t blonde and own six different baby blue colored T-shirts? Carolina girls at cute. This isn’t a negative. They’re smart, they like to party and they’ve got to be doing something right to continually attract some of the nation’s top basketball, baseball and lacrosse high school athletes. That something right is probably bedding them on recruiting visits.

2. Clemson

Absolutely no shame in finishing No. 2 in this league. Less shame finishing second to Florida State. My head likely would explode if I had five or six hours to tailgate outside that football stadium where Clemson continually underachieves. Pictures speak thousands of words. Couldn’t quite come up with 1,000 pictures of Paige but we tried.

1. Florida State

Not even close. You just sort of know. You know how when you’re at a bar when it’s cold outside and you turn your head and look every time the door opens hoping a hot girl is walking in with three other hot friends? If you were to employ a similar tactic at Florida State, you’d spend seven uninterrupted hours looking at the doorway. You’d also have to deal with priapism.

Now go seek medical attention and check back next Friday for my Big 10 rankings.

Alternative Reading:

Hottest Girls Of College Football [YepYep]

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Blog Roundup: Alexandra Kosteniuk Wants To Destroy You In Chess
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