Todd Helton is playing his final game at Coors Field tonight so the Rockies thought they’d get their all-time great something for his retirement. So, of course, they went out and got Todd a f**kin’ horse. That’s right, a horse.
You know, because he’s a big redneck who doesn’t need a cherry red Corvette or a nice rocking chair. Or a Coors Light beer truck.
There you go, Todd. Just remember to ride sober when heading to the carryout for scratch offs.
And then the guy went out in the 2nd inning and hit a dong.