Bro Faces 40 Years In Jail For Baseball Card Armed Robbery At Kmart! [Cuff ‘Em]

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Close your eyes for a second. Conjure up the image of a 25-year-old white guy who still collects baseball cards. Add in some drama to this guy’s life, like armed robbery at a Kmart. Yes, armed robbery of packs of baseball cards. He’s from Wisconsin, so that should also be figured into this fictional character. Oh, and he still lives with his parents. Do you have an image? Does your character look anything like Joseph Marciniak? He should.

Listen up all you baseball card collecting morons out there.

Joseph A. Marciniak was charged with armed robbery today with a felony today. If he’s convicted of the charge, Marciniak faces up to 40 years in prison and fines of up to $100,000.

Marciniak took 25 packages of baseball cards and threatened a security officer with a box cutter, according to a report by the Caledonia Police Department.

An officer confronted Marciniak and told him to come back in the store, but Marciniak didn’t comply and the security officer followed him out to the parking lot. After telling Marciniak to come back to the store a third time, Marciniak turned around and had a box cutter with a razor blade. The security officer backed off and let Marciniak leave.

Look, anyone who’s ever bought baseball cards know that Kmart doesn’t carry the good shit. You’re not finding packs of 2011 Bowman featuring the Chrome Prospects #BCP1 Bryce Harper Superfractor RC 1/1 BGS 9.5. Yeah, the one that’s on eBay right now for $25,000.

We’re talking the shitty Topps cards that aren’t worth the cardboard they’re printed on. But, Marciniak is willing to trade 40 years of his life for a few Rated Rookies.

Sidenote: Let’s do the math on these baseball cards. Cops say this moron stole $400 in baseball cards and that was 25 “packages.” Wait, $16 packs of cards? At Kmart? Out in the open? That place deserves to go bankrupt. Maybe they mean 25 boxes of cards. That would make more sense. So in other words, this idiot would risk 40 years over a few $3 Bryce Harpers.

[Patch]

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