God, Matt Barkley Is So Damn Perfect It Makes Us Sick [25 PHOTOS]

February 16, 2012 Posted in Featured Strip, Football

By Jay Koot

While Andrew Luck is just a giant pile of facial hair, has a weird voice and is about as dull as a Peyton Manning homemade porn, Matt Barkley is shooting up our respectability index. Tuesday was the first time we’d heard the name of his girlfriend, Brittany Langdon. One thing led to another and we received emails with pics of Ms. Langdon & USC’s returning hero. Say hello to your 2012 Heisman.

One thing becomes apparent from looking over the Barkley-Langdon photos: This guy is pretty damn loyal. Nope, haven’t met him or spoken to him – ever. Yet, from what we can tell, Barkley has been dating Langdon since at least 2009. Yes, an eternity for a Heisman contender. For a guy who is the stud at USC, that’s nearly impossible.

Maybe it was smart to get one more year of this life. Take out the insurance policy, avoid being overshadowed by Luck, come back as the odds on favorite to win the Heisman and a national championship. 5/1 to win the Heisman.

As for his perfect life, could it get any better? His body is rarely required to be in temperatures below 65. His hair gets the perfect amount of vitamins from the ample L.A. sunshine. His girlfriend comes home in the summer (from her Seattle college) and they throw a football in the park. They team up for ping pong nights. There are date nights to Angels games. Don’t forget regular date nights at swanky restaurants.

Jealous? Hell yes. Just the thought of 90,000 fans at the L.A. Coliseum screaming to see our perfect skin, smile and hair will give a guy goosebumps. Don’t believe in God? It might be time to start. Barkley was created for a reason, and it was to drop a ball into the hands of a receiver on a 40-yard go route, hold trophies, have his face on TV and for you to envy.

Face it, there are haves and have nots. Matt Barkley is in the 1%.

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