Busted Coverage Editorial: Tony La Russa’s Vagina Hurts!

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In journalism school, they taught us to be fair and objective, so, as a life-long Milwaukee Brewers fan, that’s what I’m going to do with this.

First, you have to know something about Brewers fans — they’re drunk. All the time. I’m not just talking about having some beers at the park. I’m talking about preparedness. We’re like the goddam Boy Scouts — always prepared!

Tailgate, grill some meat and most importantly, drink some Miller products. If you show up at a turnstile at Miller Park and you’re not drunk, they send you back.

“Sorry son, you’re going to need to have a couple more to get into this game.”

What else would you expect from a state filled with Irish and Germans? So, at last night’s contest between the first-place Brewers and second-place St. Louis Cardinals, Cards’ manager Tony La Russa got a little angry.

First, he got angry because fans were yelling things at him.

I assumed they were saying things like “You over-manage the game!” or “Baseball games are four hours long because of you, you asshole!” or maybe “Do you advise players to take steroids or do you just look the other way!?”

I was mistaken.

“It’s going way too far when they start cursing your family and the funniest one, the guy’s yelling, ‘I hope you get shingles again,’” La Russa said. “That’s just stupid. But when you watch and you ignore our guy get drilled when the other guy gets a little stinger, it’s irritating.”

Hahahaha… shingles! That’s good shit!

La Russa had shingles for two months earlier in the season and still showed up with his grotesque shingle face to over-manage the Cardinals anyway.

Nothing can keep this guy away from the ballpark!

You wanna put a lefty in? I’ll be there to put a right-handed batter in!

You wanna delay the game by going back to a righty? I’ve got another left-handed batter, you son of a bitch!

The message La Russa sends is clear — I will wear you down because I am a baseball genius and also, I am sensitive about my shingles face. Please don’t make fun of me.

As for the game itself, Old Shingles Head was tense, so you knew something was going to go awry.

In the seventh, Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols was plunked with a pitch by Takashi Saito, something Shingles admitted was unintentional. However, the throw hit the Cardinals’ star on the same wrist he broke earlier this year and since Brewers fans were yelling at Saito to hit Pujols, La Russa reacted.

Shingles ordered Jason Motte to drill The Hebrew Hammer, Ryan Braun, in the ribs in the bottom half of the inning.

“There’s nothing intentional about it,” La Russa said of Saito’s pitch. “But they throw the ball in here and that’s what all those idiots up there — not idiots — all those fans up there are yelling. Do you know how many bones there are in the hand? Do you know how many bones there are in the face? That’s where those pitches are. And Braun — we were trying to pitch him in too, and it was just a little stinger. I don’t want to even hear about Braun getting a little pop in the back, when we almost lose this guy (Pujols) in several ways. The ball up and in is a dangerous pitch.”

There are 27 bones in the hand, Shingles.

Fans pay to come to the game. In Milwaukee, they also pay to get drunk. You make millions of dollars a year to beat the crap out of every possible matchup in a baseball game.

Next time you come to Milwaukee, leave your panties at home and just annoy everyone with your managerial tactics.

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