5 Questions: Titty Towel Founder Says To Expect New Nip Stylings In Titty Towel 2.0, Would Love To See Angelina Jolie Modeling His Work

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For some reason, Busted Coverage was recently emailed a request to promote something called the Titty Towel, a marriage between breast art and cotton.

(These people actually have a PR team. Not kidding)

Instantly, the editors were mesmerized by the theory that man would actually come up with something so useless and then promote it to men on the Internet who then, we suppose, would figure, ‘Hey, my fat wife will at least look good when she wears the towel.’

Like the good investigative bloggers that we are, BC wanted to ask the inventor, Ari Olas,   a few questions about nip styles and what woman he dreams of having in his Titty Towel.

Say hello to the Snuggie of the Summer of 2010.

1. First off, why the titty towel at this time in the history of towels?

The Titty Towel isn’t just ‘another towel’. I don’t think it’s any secret now that towels have been my life’s work. I’ve traveled the ends of the earth searching for that perfect texture, the right mix of roughness and comfort to create the perfect towel. It was a long and arduous journey, and I’ve no shame in saying that many, many times along the way–while traversing the endless Serengeti or seeking respite from the icy winds of the Arctic–I took the comfort of a woman. When it was finally over, I realized that the towel alone, while being the pinnacle of a lifetime of design study, lacked the true breadth of my experience. And then it hit me. So you see, the Titty Towel represents not just the finest in terrycloth, but the finest in a lifetime of erotic encounters. I consider it my crowning achievement.

2. Whose titties did you model the towel titty design after?

I find inspiration in the breasts both of mythology and the everyday. From the ample bosoms of Nefertiti and Helen of Troy, to the tightly bodiced racks of our Victorian forebears—even today’s dare-you-to-look-anywhere-but-here, no-nonsense BOOBS—they are all unique in merit. I believe our renderings offer two crowning examples that will undoubtedly bring ‘the best of the boob’ to wet, sweaty or slightly damp people in need of a towel everywhere.

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3. Name 5 female celebrities that you dream of one day modeling the Titty Towel for you.

I do enjoy that young Johannson girl, and was rather disheartened I couldn’t employ her in my research. Perhaps the darker and more mysterious Angelina Jolie. And I’d like to see Salma Hayek don the ‘bee stings’ model for a good laugh. But you know, beyond that, I really don’t think it would be gentlemanly to–oh, Blake Lively. And also the girl with the rather triangular face from the Transformers movie.

4. What makes your Titty Towel better than the competitors (if there is even competition in the titty towel market)? Higher thread count?

Education, my friend, education! When I say I’m a towel man, you’ll agree. I’ve bartered with nomadic Mongolians for samples of their wares, traveled under false identification into war zones to spirit back tattered swatches of cloth that before then existed to the outside world only in legend. I’ve seen it all! I’ve spent countless hours in topless bars from the Euphrates to the Ukraine, and I’ve the drink receipts to prove it. If any man thinks his towel bests mine, I’d like to meet him, so that I might belittle him in front of his loved ones.

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5. Where do you go from here with this business? Is there a new line of tits on the horizon? Customized titty designs? Can a guy get pepperoni nips on his towel if he desires?

Interesting you should ask. We actually had focus groups for this kind of thing. What we discovered is that the average consumer found Titty Towel prototypes with crooked nipples, dinner-plate areolae and three-dimensional nipples “off-putting” and “just kind of weird”. But who knows what the future could hold. People often forget how far boobs have come in the past few hundred years. Formerly somewhat “fruitish looking”, boobs are now quite rotund, robust, round and another adjective that starts with an R and doesn’t make you think of Bananas. Anything could happen.

We are already working to develop more ‘exotic’ towels featuring boobs of different ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds, but it will require extensive research. On my part.

[Titty Towel - Facebook]

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