From: The Desk Of Art McGregor, Busted Coverage Special Assignment Reporter
RE: Ranking The Mid-Majors Based On Hot Chicks (Part 7 of 7)
I’m reading Chad Kultgen’s “The Lie” this week and I can’t say I’ve enjoyed a better page-turner since January 1. Today marks the 100th day of 2009. Haven’t accomplished anything yet this year? Me neither!
I bring this book up for a couple of reasons when breaking down the women of Conference USA, the Division I-A Independents (all the honeys, who makin’ money, throw your hands up at me) and the Mid-American Conference.
1. There is no proof that a girl from a C-USA* or MAC school has ever read a book. (*Girls at Rice probably have read a lot of books.)
2. The girls described in the book may “attend” Southern Methodist University, but the book’s less-than-flattering description of coeds fits females at Miami (Ohio). Or the ones that count. You know, Size 2’s or less.
I don’t know if Kultgen’s second book is called “The Lie” or “the lie” because the book’s black-and-white cover chooses not to employ capital letters. Or any primary colors. One in every three girls at a MAC school can name at least two of the three primary colors. They do got that going for ’em.
This is pertinent because I follow one rule. Always judge a book by its cover.
On to the cover rankings.
C-USA in one sentence: Best non-BCS conference that’s way ahead of the Big East and on par with the ACC and Big 10.
SEC caliber: Central Florida
A top 15 program nationally, UCF ranks second only to Florida State in the Sunshine State. A slightly-less attractive version of Arizona State girls.
Still bangin’ (alphabetical order): Southern Mississippi, Southern Methodist University, Tulane
Words of wisdom from my buddy and world traveler Wyoming Guy: “Dude, girls at Southern Miss are like way too stupid to get into any other school … in like Mississippi (!!) … and they just want to party.”
Definitely doable: East Carolina, Houston, Memphis, UAB
Not awful, just not top-tier: Marshall, Rice, Texas-El Paso, Tulsa
Division I-A Independents
Division I-A Independents in one sentence: The default, the bad, the ugly.
I’m not going to be the first ever non-pinko to say anything disparaging about the students in Annapolis or West Point.
Western Kentucky takes “top” honors here by default. The Hilltoppers’ other non-service academy competition is Notre Dame (the ugly). The Blue and Gold truly are in a league of their own when it comes to women.
NBC would not pay $10 million to pay for the rights to these women. Or 10 hay pennies.
The MAC in one sentence: Girls most likely to name a Facebook album after an Asher Roth lyric. “You can take Kapowski, I’m a take Lark on my go-kart.”
Football practice at Miami (O.).
The clear-cut winner: Miami (Ohio)
One negative. Far too many chunky or slightly overweight blonde chicks go to Miami (Ohio) and think they’ll magically become hot. Nope. Can’t throw on a red MIAMI T-shirt with a sweater wrapped around your shoulders and become a looker.
For years, Miami (Ohio) thrived as the sleeper school of the Midwest. The word’s out now. No longer a sleeper, the school has the best looking girls in the Midwest. And it’s not even close.
I hang out with a Miami (Ohio) graduate (male) who mostly wears a North Face jacket and sandals. At the same time. So yes. Road trip.
Take a drive to Oxford, Ohio. Tell the girls you play lacrosse and/or are in a fraternity at some small private school (preferably in or around Colorado) and you’re set. It works. Trust me on this one.
Get ’em quick though. Miami (Ohio) girls believe their faces will burn off if they are unmarried at age 25.
They’ll make you happy: Bowling Green, Central Michigan (Cassie Keller exemption), Ohio University
Eh, you’ll do: Akron, Ball State, Kent State, Toledo
11 beers in: Eastern Michigan, Northern Illinois, Western Michigan
Sorry babe, got to study: Buffalo, Temple
I’ll continue the magic next week with the Mountain West, the Sun Belt and the Western Athletic Conference.
The Mountain West and WAC are two different leagues? Learn something new every day I guess.
Unless you’re a chick at a MAC school.
Reigning BC Hottest College Freshman – CMU’s Cassie Keller.