From: The Desk Of Art McGregor, Busted Coverage Special Assignment Reporter
RE: Ranking The Pac 10 Based On Hot Chicks (Part 5 of 6)
My readership in Oregon did me a solid. Thatâ€™s one sentence I never thought Iâ€™d write. Before we get into my Pac 10 rankings, please take a look at Katelynn from Oregon. To those of you in Lane County and the rest of the 541 who sent in pictures of Americaâ€™s hottest cheerleader, thank you much and [regional slang for â€œgood job.â€]
Whatâ€™s it like to be Katelynn? Seriously. I mean, every eye in a room (even the glass ones) have to turn toward her whenever she walks in or climbs in through a window though I doubt the latter really ever occurs.
In that same room, Iâ€™d be eavesdropping all over anybodyâ€™s face who merely talked about her. Thatâ€™s how it works with eavesdropping. There needs to be talking. I doubt Iâ€™d have a chance to do it if the people were using sign language. I only know the first four letters in sign language (and none in braille).
Oh yeah, Oregon has just the fifth hottest girls in the Pac 10. If Katelynnâ€™s looks are unsportsmanlike to the rest of the female population (go ahead and flag her ass), the look Arizona State girls bring to the beer pong table flattens all competition.
Iâ€™d gander half of you readers have never set foot in the Pacific Time Zone (whatâ€™s the deal with the time zone in Idaho and eastern Oregon, anyway?) so Iâ€™m here to set the record straight on which schools on the southpaw coast should be supplying our coed fantasies. Did that sound as hokey as it felt?
I feel safe with this choice. Like anyone at Stanford has time to read a blog … or notice girls.
Wow. Thatâ€™s awesome. No kidding? Youâ€™re a vegan? Youâ€™re fuckinâ€™ kidding me, man. Why CANâ€™T we all live in San Francisco? No shit? You voted for Obama? Youâ€™re going green? I know. Tell me about it! They treat people so well at Google. Katie Couric is the bomb-dot-com. The Daily Kos? Right on top of my bookmarks.
I recently became unemployed. So instead of, you know, looking for a job, I have been taking various quizzes on Facebook to find out â€œWhich Victoria Secret Model Are You?â€ and â€œWhere Should You Be Living?â€
I got Seattle as my answer. I visited the Sonic-less once. We tailgated at a campus house prior to the Ohio State-Washington game in 2007 and spent about 90 minutes punting empty beer cans at the house.
The other answer turned out to be Alessandra Ambrosia.
Overall, I think people tend to overrate the city. I made sure not to do the same in these rankings.
7. Oregon State
Two things always are funny. Those are A whenever a white person has the last name Jackson and B the word beavers.
I give Oregon State a lot of credit. The Beavs donâ€™t recruit the hotties from Portland as well as The U … of O, but those girls like to party and they are not afraid to drink beers and play in at least two wildly-entertaining college football games per season.
6. Washington State
A sports writing buddy of mine worked in Yakima, Wash. for a few years. He dated a Cougar. I have a few other buddies here in Ohio who corner the market on cougars.
I always secretly hoped the Cougar (capital C) would take a job in Dayton so me and the guy in Yakima could compare notes.
What else is there to do in eastern Washington? The girls arenâ€™t as smart as their counterparts in northwest Washington. This is a good thing when it comes to these rankings.
J Koot and I spoke on the phone Tuesday night for about an hour. We talked about the future of Busted Coverage and then spent 57 minutes discussing the migration patterns of hot high school seniors in Portland. Longest ever non-recorded conversation on the topic.
Oregon is far closer to the top four than the bottom five in the Pac 10 and thatâ€™s saying something considering itâ€™s not a warm climate school.
Katelynnâ€™s presence does not hurt.
Hereâ€™s where we point out each school in the top four in the Pac 10 probably ranks in the top six of the country. The SEC has more lookers top to bottom but the Pac 10 has better looking chicks at the top. Some of which are top heavy. Bonus.
The only thing more depressing than thinking about the girl who dropped me like a bad habit for the Affliction T-shirt wearing bartender in a strip mall is that I didnâ€™t attend any of these four schools.
I have one goal in life. See my first sentence under â€œWashingtonâ€ to get a better understanding of where such goal has landed me.
If youâ€™re not listening to Kings of Leon, shame on you. I recommend their song â€œArizonaâ€ as a introduction to the band. Go ahead and download it on iTunes and if anyone in the band is reading, Iâ€™ll be at your show on Tuesday, May 12 in Cincinnati. You always can invite me back stage and throw whatever scraps (you know what Iâ€™m talking about) my way. I then can say â€œNow weâ€™re evenâ€ just like Daniel LaRusso.
Itâ€™s my sole aspiration before I die to listen to the opening chords of â€œArizonaâ€ at sunset in Tucson, Ariz. about seven beers deep at an outdoor party with at least a 2-to-1 female-male ratio while making good eye-contact for at least 1.2 seconds with a girl from the University of Arizona or (preferably) one of the nearest community colleges.
Check out the campus tailgate on the green right near Tommy Trojan before any USC home game. Hell, you might be lucky enough to see them lose their annual game to the team that has no business beating them.
Go to a game, keep your eyes open and then tell me with a straight face that there are two other schools in the nation with better looking girls.
1. Arizona State
Chuck Klosterman made a great point in â€œKilling Yourself to Liveâ€ when he wrote that all sporting contests are â€œexhibitionsâ€ that donâ€™t change the outcome of any of our lives. He said a preseason football game is no different than a regular season game.
He could not make the same statement about the competition at Arizona State. Itâ€™s not meaningless. Those chicks are fighting an unwinnable battle to figure out which girl can look the hottest in the desert. The prize? Nothing really. But the competition is fierce. Thereâ€™s no other way to explain the look of an ASU girl.
Most of the girls at ASU (the ones that count) look exactly the same. Iâ€™m not sure what the deal is in Tempe. You must have shoulder length blonde hair, light eyes and tan skin. You must look unnaturally yet somehow attractively tan. You can have dark hair and still fit the requirements as long as youâ€™re a Size 2 or less.
Although 94 percent* of the girls at ASU donâ€™t make it to their senior year at the school, theyâ€™ve proudly placed the Lady Sun Devils in the lofty position of having the best looking girls of any college in the nation.
Iâ€™ll tackle the SEC next Friday. How exactly do you rank those schools? Can everyone except Vanderbilt just tie for first place?
I think I could just write 11 little recaps and then pick one through 11 out of a hat and assign each school to one of those descriptions.
Would anyone notice?
*- might not be accurate
(For more of Art McGregorâ€™s greatness visit him at Blog On The Run where heâ€™ll talk about getting drunk, failing with women and living the life of a man who usually strikes out.)