Jen Maul of Ohio State and some of her, um, biggest fans.
From: The Desk Of Art McGregor, Busted Coverage Special Assignment Reporter
RE: Ranking The Big Ten Based On Hot Chicks (Part Three of 6-Part BCS Series)
Have a number of buddies who have decided to give up drinking during Lent. I know.
The selfish decision these three gents have madeÂ puts a huge damper on my well-being.Â Each member of theÂ trio all ranks in the top five of people I textÂ five days a week wondering about the prospect of “Drinking tonight?” I’m supposed to deal with this for the next 35 days?!
Need I remind them thatÂ theÂ 11th CommandmentÂ states,”Thou shall not drink when others around them are drinking because sober people aren’t as fun and less apt to make bad decisions which leads to fun”?
One friend, any boozehound’s best friend, has decided in his infinite wisdom to forgo drinking and just get as stoned as possible before going out.Â This leads to multiple purchases of SnickersÂ and inquiries about whether bars serve chicken fingers after midnight.Â He’s the one who most frequentlyÂ asks, “Now when’s the exact minute Lent ends?” He told meÂ about 73 hours into Lent that he “really could go for a Jaeger Bomb.”
For you, we’re lucky that I have not given up any of the above-mentioned substances. Without them, it’d be difficult to differentiate between most of the schools in the remaining BCS conferences. Ranking the Big East and ACC is easy. There is a definite hierarchy in each of those leagues. The next four conferencesÂ won’t be as easy. There’s a vast lack of disparity between the top and bottom (top and bottom … niiiiice)Â of the Big 10, BigÂ XII, Pac 10 and SEC.
Other than Northwestern and Michigan in the Big 10/11.
On a trip to Evanston around the turn of the millennium, we visited Northwestern for its annual Dillo Day celebration. Dillo Day,Â the school’s best weekend of partying, is like a TuesdayÂ or Wednesday between 9Â p.m. and 10:30 p.m. at most state schools in the United States.
My buddy Tod hooked up with an NU undergrad and the girl spent most of the afternoon,Â outdoor make-out session inquiring about the spelling of Tod’s last name.Â She repeatedly asked about the spelling of his last name. Has this ever happened to you? No. NoÂ it hasn’t. Why?Â You’ve never partied at Northwestern. Neither has anyone at Northwestern.
I grew up hating Michigan. I graduated from Ohio State. I dealt with loss after loss to the piss-color-yellow-and-navy-blue team from Ann Arbor during the 1990s. None of that hasÂ anything to do with this ranking.
Girls from Michigan (the state) are not unattractive. They actually are kind of hot. (Forget Detroit is a part of Michigan.)Â Hell, I’ve spent a nice part of the past two years trying to get a girl from Michigan to go to dinner with me. She’s said yes a few times and no a few times more and we’ve still never gone to dinner. She once called me “an older man.” She graduated from high school in 2006. I probably creep her out.
If you asked 100 male undergrads at UM to rank the girls of the Big 10, Michigan would be tenth or 11th on about 85 percent or more of those ballots.
Given the immense size of the university, Michigan probably leads the nation in ugly girls. At least they didn’t go 3-9 in football this past fall or anything.
7. Penn State
Other than transplants into New York City, theÂ northeast certainly lacks any consistency in the “hot chick” department.
Again, this is a climate issue. Penn State, the most easterlyÂ of Big 10 schools,Â would rank second or third in the Big East and in the upper half of the ACC, butÂ the NitsÂ linger toward the bottom of the Big 10.
There’s a place in Chicago called Merkle’s Bar & GrillÂ that is an “Iowa bar.” I find this remarkable because 99 percent of the United States not only has never been to Iowa, but also doesn’t know anyone from Iowa. This place usually is packed as well. We wereÂ at Merkle’sÂ after Iowa’s win over Penn State this past fall and saw a lot of blonde girls in Iowa T-shirts. They all looked really good after I had spent the previous 12 hours alternating between canned and draft Miller Lite.
Madison is the best college town in the Big 10. There’s no way you’re not having fun on State Street. Those hot girls from Chicago? Yep. They are going toÂ Wisconsin for whatever reason. The only thing that keeps the Badgers from being ranked higher is girls from Wisconsin also attend UW.
Ohio State competes for league titles in all the big sports every year. Without doubt, it’s the most well-rounded athletic university in the conference this decade. Whatever. None of these teams are the best at the school.
The Jersey Chasers win the national title every year. Ever wonder how Ohio State gets top talent in just about every sport?
You could take the top 1,000 girls at Ohio State and line up them against the top 1,000 at any other schoolÂ in the nation and the Buckeyes would fare quite well. (We’d still probably go 0-9 versus the SEC.) If anyone wants to hire me from such an undertaking, I’d consider it.
Too many bullshit beer commercials on television talking about “a perfect blend.”Â TooÂ few sports blog rankings about which schools have the hottest girls.
The girls at Michigan State can do something girls at no other Big 10 school can accomplish. They can take a picture with a group of four or more girls and not have one unattractive girl in the entire picture.
Michigan State girls are nice, they are hot, they like to party and most of them aren’t exactly turning down scholarship offers from Michigan and Northwestern. Spartans epitomize the perfect blend.
Going west young man isn’t always your best calling when East Lansing’s within driving range.
I’ll be looking at the Big XII next Friday as we make our way to number one.
Good thing I didn’t give up being a heartless bastard with no soul who doesn’t mind objectifying women for Lent.